Weathered and worn

in , ,

weathered and worn

We live in a world fascinated with youth, beauty, and perfection. We value the young, the fresh, the new over things that have been tested by time Like wood that doesn’t rot in a year.

When do we learn that the story is in the age? The beauty is in the cracks and the chips…the weeds growing around the footing…the chipped paint…the vines twisting their way around familiar patterns only to be pulled away again and again.

This house stopped me in my tracks recently. T

But… for me, this home was interesting. I wondered how long it had been there. I thought about how many coats of paint it had. Do their door hinges squeak loudly? What about those floor boards creak under foot when you cross in front of that uneven floor near the bathroom?

What was it that this house knew? What was it trying to say?

Thoughts of ageing gracefully have been on my mind a lot lately. I peer in the mirror and see wrinkles and age spots - wishing they were gone. Grey hairs pop up more and more. And all I want to do is hide from them. Because that’s what we do.

What if we embraced it all? No Botox. No hair dye. What if we just aged as we are for a minute and let nature take it’s course? What if we just let these marks be the signs of our inner beauty: Each wrinkle a lifetime of problems solved, each grey hair representing things we have learned. When will I see that these tired eyes, sore feet and aching back are just signs that I have lived a full life? When will I embrace each little fat cell I carry around my legs and waist that represents a meal enjoyed with friends or loved ones, or a delicious french fry or sweet ice cream cone I savored and enjoyed.

What if we put down the guilt and the shame of existing as we are and stepped away from the Botox and the banner ads telling us what we could improve? What if we just became comfortable as ourselves? What would happen if we just stopped listening to the BS we are fed and realized we are so much more than our outsides?

Inside these walls are where the interesting parts of me are. The story isn’t the wrinkle. It’s in how that wrinkle got there.

Lessons in a new moon

in , , ,

The New Moon taken with my iPhone in Easley, SC

The new moon symbolizes new beginnings, introspection, and setting intentions. It’s a chance every month or so for a fresh start in our hearts.

I want to believe in the new moon. I want to have faith that fresh starts are real and not something we just pine for when things get tough.

But if I am being honest I wonder if a new moon is really all that “new.” Maybe its a re-newing of sorts. NEW to me means pristine… untouched. But life as we are living it really travels in cycles, building upon itself at each juncture. There is nothing untouched about this life of mine.

Sometimes I wish on the new moon that I could throw it all away for a fresh start. I want to bury all my woes, hide from all my mistakes, have the magic wand of forgiveness waved over my head so all can be forgiven and forgotten, knowing I am humbled by all of it - bad decisions and troubles alike.

The world doesn’t work like that though. We have to carry those things along with us as part of a learned past…as part of a better intentioned future. It’s all a necessary part of who we are and who we get to become along the way.

These days I think of milestones like the new moon, the new year, birthdays, anniversaries, springtime, and even the daily sunrise all as opportunities for pause. They are moments for us to reflect into who we are and where we have been on our journey of life - be it the daily pause or more.

Certainly the sun and the moon don’t wish to be floating around out there as only a part of itself. They want to show up each day as they are…not justthe parts they are casting light on.

Maybe that’s my wish for each new moon…to carry with me who I am while giving myself the grace to carry on bravely despite all the parts i wish I had addressed a little better. Perhaps it’s about a renewal and not just being new.

A little bit of winter.

in , ,

Winter time comes briefly in South Carolina and it’s one of my favorite seasons. Any chance I get to see the snow, I jump at like a little girl ready for her first seasonal sledding session.

I spent my youth in the snow belt of the north east - a part known for it’s lake effect snows. It wasn’t uncommon for us to get FEET of snow at a time. We were often buried in white through January and into March. For some reason, it always felt really magical to me. The hush of the world under a gentle snow is something you can’t explain to someone who hasn’t experienced it before. There is a hush…a stillness.

While spring symbolizes fresh starts, there is something about a blanket of fresh snow that makes me feel like big things are coming. Maybe it’s the blank canvas it seems to look like as the world is blanketed with a crisp restart. To me, this is what feels like the beginnings of a fresh start, but with the promise of a little rest, comfort and calm before the party happens.

While we walked through the woods the other day in the snowfall, stepping over brambles of future juicy and tart blackberries, sweet and succulent blueberry bushes slumbering under the snow, and seedlings of little trees full of hope, I was comforted as much as what was coming as I was by what was here…what was right now.

If winter teaches me anything each year, it’s that every phase of life - every chapter we are in - is a lovely and precious experience. The chilly slumber of winter that leads to the blossoming of spring. The crisp spring mornings that lead to the prickly heat of summertimes that smell like sunscreen and salt water. They are all significant. We need each thing to get to the next.

The importance of being present and where I am at the moment means more to me now than ever before. It’s precious time. Sacred moments. Even those bad parts - whatever they may be to you - have their place…

So this winter, you can find me chasing this chill before I start exploring for those summer waterfalls and seashells. Because each season and chapter needs it’s own celebration.

Help.

in , , , , ,

A lot of memories all in one place.

Yesterday afternoon, in true New Year’s fashion, we disassembled the Christmas tree. Ornament by ornament. Memory by memory. We dismantled the fragrant and not-so-dead-after-all tree.

While this is nothing remarkable (I mean, let’s face it, we ALL take the tree down at some point), it was remarkable to me. This was the first year in all the years I can remember that I had help dismantling the Christmas tree.

Maybe you are shrugging your shoulders right now thinking to yourself, “So what…”

The thing is, I am not very good at asking for help. I am even less good at receiving it.

For me, the help I always needed has never really been there…partially by design and partially because when I asked for help, it never came to me - at least not how I was expecting it. So I figured out life on my own. I became a “do-it-yourself” kinda gal. I never wanted to risk the disappointment of being told no, so I decided there wasn’t much I couldn’t do by myself.

The thing is, I tried to do this alone. For some reason, my guys weren’t having it. They pitched in and we had decorations out of here and life back to a semi-normal state within the hour. Record time. This could have taken me up to 3 days to get it taken down, packed up, and cleaned away if I was alone.

The help I desire to ask for runs deeper than help with the Christmas decorations. It’s in every facet of my life. Sure, I have stepped away from things from time to time and let someone take the wheel… But it’s never been easy for me.

Help came last month when I needed it…in a big way. Christmas was coming and we had an unexpected passing in our family. When my people came to me and said “we are here, tell us what we can do for you…” I felt a sudden relief from the pressure. We all pitched in and had maybe one of the best Christmases I can remember in recent years.

So maybe the key to happiness - or even the key to life - is acceptance. Acceptance of help, of love, and of truth. Acceptance of whatever is in front of you. I have spent so much time pushing it all away that it’s time to embrace that which was meant for me.

And that includes all the help I can get.

Beginning again.

in , , , ,

I am stepping gently into 2025 right now.

I am not grabbing it by the horns or seizing the day. I am walking cautiously ahead. Quietly. Easefully.

Like you, I’ve done the resolutions before. I’ve done the “word of the year.” I have done the vision boards and journaling and enough goal setting to make a corporate CEO promote me to become their right hand man. I have done it all. And you know what I have learned: life has it’s own plan.

That’s not to say I am giving up, or without goals or a vision for the rest of my life. I have vision and purpose. I have things I am trying to accomplish in the rest of my days here on this planet. But I know things all work out in due time…which is not necessarily MY time.

If last year taught me anything, it was to expect a lot of changes in plans. This has happened to me a lot in my adult life. And as I write these words, I am trying to teach my adult son that those curve balls life launches at you are there to make you a stronger human capable of big things. The better you handle those minor setbacks, the better your outlook on life becomes.

December was particularly hard this year. We had a lot of pivoting to do including the loss of my future Mother-in-law. It came on fast and furious and seemed to swallow us whole during the holidays. For the first time in 40 years, I wasn’t “home” for the holidays. And you know what? I think it was my favorite holiday yet!

One thing that got me through the holidays this year was a text from a friend that reached out. In the middle of funeral planning and life happening, I was getting stressed about not having done anything. We had no tree up, no presents were bought, no cookies were baked. And I was just not feeling it.

“I’ve done nothing for Christmas yet…” I bemoaned in a text message.

Her response stuck with me and became my guiding light through the end of a difficult time. “You really don’t have to “do” anything.” She said. “It’s about being with the people you love and celebrating the promise of new/continuing life in winter’s darkness. I bet you are perfectly prepared for that. You can buy shit anytime.”

And with that, I pivoted.

Everything became easier. All my decisions became more clear. The pressure fell away. We had each other and we would all be together and that’s really all that mattered at the time. My focus changed from what I wouldn’t get done to what I could get done. And with that, Christmas was reborn for me.

So that’s how I am going into the new year. I don’t have to set intentions or goals. I don’t have to color in a vision board or scratch words into a journal. It’s about having a purpose to get up every day…for you, that may be the gym. For me right now, it’s spending time with myself and family, giving everything and everyone the grace and space they need to move ahead.

Each day has a promise… and that promise is to begin again. That’s all we can do while we have the time to do it here on earth.

Begin again.

On Finding Your Tribe.

in , , ,

These two have always completed each other in the best way possible. Full of wild ideas and big love.

If I have discovered something to be true, it’s that we all need to find our tribe. The tribe where you belong to the people who accept you for all that you are. Flaws. Crazy ideas. Quirks. They are never leaving you. So find someone who can tolerate all of them - not change you to make you “better.” These are the souls who make us feel like we belong to something bigger.

I used to think I could change people and form them into the image in my head…you know the one: it fits nicely into the picture you imagine of your life. (Ohhhh to be 20 again!)

One day it dawned on me that in my desperation to change people, I was the one who began to change. I bowed and curtsied to anyone who needed anything from me. I became what others wanted. And when it became too much, the relationships failed. It happened every single time. I lost big love. I lost family. I lost myself. All because I didn’t know how to be me.

One of the reasons I let this happen was because what I THOUGHT I needed was love. And to get that love, meant to seek the approval of anyone and everyone around me. I had no convictions. I had no person. I became a shell of a human just to feel love. I put myself on the line far too often. And while I think in some form I have always been myself, I never really learned how to be ME.

Today is a new day. I am ready to stand my ground and be who I need to be. I am ready to tell you my political bent. I am ready to stand up for the things I believe in. It’s easier now than ever before because I have my people….that tribe that loves me as I am. It’s not as big as it once was, but this time I know it’s real.

And real is all I ever needed. There is nothing else but real. Because that, my friends, is where the love is. And the love is where your tribe is.

So keep being you. Not that person on instagram or Facebook. Not your neighbor or your friend. Your house doesn’t need to look like a magazine or catalog. You just need to surround yourself with things that are authentically you. Friends. Love. And real life.

Trust me on this one.

Letting go of worry

in , , ,

I strive for this level of peace in my heart, comfort with my body, and overall lack of worry.

“If there is a way to overcome a situation, then instead of feeling too much sadness, fear or anger, make an effort to change the situation. If there is nothing you can do to overcome the situation, then there is no need for fear or sadness or anger. Face the facts and the reality. Fear is part of human nature. It is a natural response that comes in the face of danger. But, in fact, when real danger comes you can be more fearless and more realistic. On the other hand, when you let your fear run wild, you can exacerbate the situation further and bring more fear…live your life with purpose.”

I read this quote from the Dalai Lama in a book I am reading right now - JOY - recommended to me by my brother-in-law about a year ago. The book is a record of conversations between the Dalai Lama and Desmond Tutu - two of the greatest leaders in our world.

The book is interesting, but this one quote has completely stood out to me. It stopped me in my tracks…not because of it’s complexity, but rather it’s simplicity.

I have spent a tremendous amount of time in my life worrying about things that never come to fruition. I worry about everything and nothing. I worry about things that won’t matter in the long run…about feelings I have hurt or those that have hurt me. The amount of time I spend fretting over things is astounding and could probably give me a second career if it paid well.

I have been working with a coach lately. The past 6 months have been extremely hard for me. I struggled with depression and anxiety worse than I can remember in my 50+ years on this planet, most of it for no good reason. I am learning what triggers me, what I need to do, and how to fulfill my own needs as a human. It’s not as easy as it sounds.

Or is it?

Maybe the key to happiness and ending suffering - as the Dalai Lama said - is in the letting go. Maybe the key is in the reflection of what really matters. I am not sure where it all got off track. Was it when my parents died? When I became estranged from my sister? Was it when I ran out of money and work during the pandemic? Or is it leftover from the pandemic? Maybe it’s all of it….

What I do know is the letting go feels so complicated. Perhaps this is because I am making it hard. Perhaps I don’t know what I’d do without the death grip of anxiety. Would I know what to do next? How to breathe? How to exist?

I do know that I will try daily to make this a practice. Stop running away from the things I can fix and manage them better. It’s really the least I can do for me.

Give yourself grace in this complicated world. life is too short to carry the burdens for others. Let them go - here, now, forever. And take care of yourself.

Shattered truths

in , ,

My family, in the early 1970s, looking alarmingly functional.

If there is one thing I have learned in my 50 years on this planet it’s that relationships are complicated. And as time travels on, they become more layered and knotted up like a tangle of delicate necklaces we try desperately not to break apart as we unravel them, searching for the strands that belong to us.

I just spent the last few weeks listening to the book, SPARE, written by Prince Harry.

There were parts of this book that didn’t really hold my attention - parts about his service in the military, searching for himself in his 20s, and the constant partying. As a 50 year old American woman, I was bored… almost disappointed in some of it. But there was a piece of it that kept me coming back - the piece about family and relationships.

No doubt, Prince Harry’s life is more complex than my little old existence. But what struck me most as the common connection between us was how complicated our immediate relationships can be - royal or not. As family members, close friends, partners, we tend to put expectations on each other, often higher than any of us can meet. As incosequential as some of these expectations can be, they can have such a significant impact on us.

As I listened intently at the growing tension between Harry and William, the complexities of adding partners, children, and even partners from different backgrounds coming together, I was reminded of the dynamics in my own family. Even now - or maybe especially now that there are really only two of us left - the drift is apparent.

What Spare reflected to me is that nobody is “spared” this dynamic in life. Not even the royal family. No amount of money or bodyguards or status can spare us of the complexities of relationships…particularly those we are born into.

I always assumed my life would be pretty amazing. I came from what I thought was a fairly regular life and upbringing. (Perhaps that was my first lesson in reality checks). The delusion that my life was going to be as neat and tidy as a freshly folded basket of laundry was my first lesson in life. We all have messy parts. And the older I got, the more clear these fragmented parts have became.

The best part for me was that there was a lot of love growing up. Pure love. I have been lucky enough to know real love from most of my close relationships. But love is about a lot more than LOVE. It’s about listening, compromise, understanding, and grace. It’s a give and take. It’s being there when we don’t agree with each other and not putting a hash mark on your column because of a misstep or a difference of opinion. It’s working things out.

Mostly, love comes from our own selves. Giving YOURSELF the grace and understanding you deserve starts first with you. It starts with Kindness. Trust. Gentle care. And deep listening.

As I continue to process all of my relationships (it’s a daily task), examining them from all available sides (some that are clear and some that are a little blurry), I can tell you this: most all of us are all just trying to be the best we can for those we love most. Sometimes we need to make choices based on what we think is true and what feels right to us. And that’s okay because truly at the end of it all, you really have to rely on yourself. Bonus points though if you have a relationship or two to see you through - be it a sibling, friend, or partner.

I have a special love for my family. Anyone I am connected to by blood feels like an strong link in the chain that makes up the intricate and complicated story of my life. That’s a given. But, just as Harry had to figure his truths out, so do the rest of us. And sometimes what’s true to one person isn’t always truth for the next. That’s the tricky part.

So forge ahead. You do you. Just know that you may have to walk around shards of pointed truths, often getting hurt in the process, before finding the scraps of truth that belong to you.


Life from the passenger's seat.

in , , ,

Shot from the passenger’s seat.

You miss a lot when you run life in the driver’s seat. There are so many details and intricacies you have to pay attention to when you are the driver. Your speed. Other drivers around you. Sudden animals or humans crossing the street. Weather. Directions. There is a lot to keep up with.

It’s true in life, too. When you are in the drivers seat, you have to pay attention to everything. You can’t miss a detail or you risk disaster. Details for the day, schedules, food likes of family members…you mind becomes a perpetual spreadsheet of information that needs to be cross referenced all the time.

This weekend, we went to dinner and for a rare moment, I was the passenger. I tend to be the driver because I get VERY car sick, so I drive a lot of the time. But on this day, for some reason, I let go and let someone else do the driving.

And you know what? It was glorious.

I wouldn’t have really been able to see this photo safely if I had been driving. I wouldn’t have noticed the few boat trails left on the water that evening by those last few boaters coming in from a long day on the water. I would have missed a bumper sticker that became an immediate inside joke between us.

You miss a lot when you are driving the ship because there is so much else to observe. But sometimes it’s nice to just let go and be the passenger. Watch the world go by from the passenger side window. Let someone else handle the responsibilities. You don’t always have to fix everything. You don’t always have to solve everything.

You can just let yourself be…lean in to being the passenger…lean in to the uncertainty of it all.

Back to the Basics

in , , , , ,

I am tired. Weary.

I am tired of feeling like I am not enough…and yet, somehow, too much.

I am sick of being sold shit at EVERY DAMN MOMENT of my life. Since when did we need so much CRAP!

I am tired of toxic positivity. Not every day needs to be slayed. Really. Some days you need to just rest.

I am over caring about anything but comfort. That goes for clothes. Routines. Food. Work. And the rare show I decide to watch (I’m looking at you Fraiser).

I am tired of politics. The pitting against each other. The bickering. The back and forth. The aggressive behavior on both side. It’s humiliating to watch. Like being inside of a massively dysfunctional family dynamic that none of us can escape from.

I am sick of feeling responsibility for everything because I am a sponge for others emotions. For the love of god, someone out there please tell me how to be Teflon.

I am tired of all of the minutia that occupies my brain when I could be doing something useful with it…coming up with better ideas for living a smaller life and making a difference for those I know and love. The only change I can influence is my immediate circle. I have found that it’s rare to make a statement that can change the world. But you can do things to change your world.

I am tired of living large. Dreaming big. I want simple. I want to feel full of heart when I look at the ocean, or a little hermit crab, or a bird perched on my fence post, or a flock of Canadian geese flying in formation. I want to see the wonder in how bees work together and feel fresh air on my face and be so excited that my legs covered in cellulite and scars can still hold me upright after 50+ years. What a MIRACLE it would be to LOVE ourselves as we are.

I am just done.

So for now, you may find me doing the simple things. I will keep posting about the things that feel pure and fill my heart. I will find magic in the minutia. You can find me there…in the garden watching the bees, or at the beach looking for that perfect shell, laying on my back watching clouds change shape as they float by. Looking at flowers as they open wide and fireflies as they LITERALLY produce a magical glowing light from their bodies. I’ll be chasing waterfalls and searching for stars in the sky and rainbows after a storm.

I am going back to the beginning when things were simpler and curiosity was what ruled the day.

I am going back - back to the basics.

Love Birds

in , , , ,

The Andersons

When new love finds a way into your heart, make sure you notice it. Pause in it’s glory. Look at it. Observe all it’s ebbs and flows. Don’t let it just float away. It’s going to be work…hard work…even when you adore the person. It all needs to be cared for.

I want to say “when you know, you know…” but life doesn’t always work that smoothly. Sometimes it’s more confusing. Sometimes it flies away…but like lovebirds, it always comes back when it needs to. And often times, it changes shape over time.

Nourish your love - for everything. Nourish your love for yourself…your love for your life…your love for your heart. And your relationships. Everything needs tender care.

Those early days in love…remember them. Come back to them. See each other. And keep coming back to that nest.

Recent works

in , ,

A little new work with Ibu Movement shot on location at The Ordinary with the incomparably lovely Becca DuPree.

I am not great about sharing new work on this blog. I mainly use it for the shots that never see the light of day. Or rarely. And often when I shoot with clients, we need a period of time before they are shared with the public. And I have since moved on to other things - new jobs, weddings, life.

Also, while I love to share, occasionally I have clients who simply don’t allow their images to appear on the internet. I shot a few years back for the TV series Mr. Mercedes and wasn’t allowed to share any images…ever. (But don’t think I don’t name drop some of the stars I got to work with! I’m looking at you Brendan Gleeson) It’s a matter of respect sometimes. Other times it’s in my actual contract.

Regardless of the occasions, I still get to do a lot of amazing photography - shot with friends, family, famous people and fun businesses.

I am always looking forward to the next adventure. It’s never the same and that is something I never get tired of….

A world in a bloom

in , , , ,

Nature is captivating.

I’ve always been fascinated by nature. It’s rhythms. It’s relentless forging ahead - regardless of who’s on board or not. She pulls us all forward along this path called life. No reason. No rationale. Mother nature does her job on a micro and macro level.

I thought about this a lot the other day. This bloom was mesmerizing up close. Stamens. Pistils. And those luscious, red, velvety petals. It was fascinating. An entire world in something smaller than my hand. And that’s only the parts I could see. If I zoomed in, I wonder what other discoveries I would make…what miraculous small worlds I would uncover.

On the flip side, what if I zoomed out. Way out….

That little flower is part of a bigger picture. Part of a bigger fabric of life. Food for insects and energy for hummingbirds. Shelter for critters. And even beauty for the rest of us to gaze upon and treasure.

If you zoom out even further, the humble flower becomes almost insignificant. You no longer see it. You see a forest and tree tops. Zoom out even further it becomes part of a broader landscape - unseen from the air. Keep going and eventually all you see is a blue and white marble floating through space.

The older I get, the more I zoom out…so to speak. I see those details as a part of a bigger whole. I don’t need explanations or reasons. I just need to know that the earth keeps spinning and we keep plodding along day after day.

But sometimes I need to zoom in. I need to see the miracles of the smallest details that make me important and relative. I need to feel that my small contribution to this planet is worth something - no matter how small. I need to be curious about what’s close to me and not take for granted that this world - my world and all it’s pieces and parts - will continue on tomorrow or the next day whether anyone else notices or not.

The duality of this dynamic is not lost on me. How we can be seemingly insignificant, yet part of a bigger fabric of life or nature or this universe is a balance I think we all need to think about.

If you ask me, everything is important. We need all of us…all of the things that make this world go around. The individual is as important as the whole. The microcosms are as significant as the macroview. It’s a balance. A yin and yang. A pendulum that has to exist so that this little world keeps spinning.

And all those flowers have a chance to bloom.

Lying in the grass

in , , , , ,

Oh the backyard clover…

I lay there in the grass, plush comforter underneath my body, soft, fluffy clouds drifting by over my head. The air was as soft as cotton sheets wrapped around me and smelled like the spring of my childhood - sweet and perfumed with freshly cut grass, late season iris blooms and honeysuckle.

I noticed things in the grass I don’t take the time to look at anymore. I noticed tiny ants marching along in line with one another - not so aimlessly, but almost on a mission. I noticed caterpillars munching on garden leaves and busy bees buzzing around clover blooms. Taking their time to drink it all in.

I moved with the sun…out of it when it was too much. Into it when I needed it’s warmth.

I thought about all these things I used to do. When I was younger, more free, unencumbered by life. I used to linger over the little things. When did I get so busy? Why is there so much information in my face all the time? Where did all these useless emails to answer come from? When did I become a grown up? And why-oh-why can’t I make decisions as solidly as I did as a little girl?

When did I get so lost?

Maybe the choices were easier back then. Grape or orange soda? Hot dog or tuna fish sandwich? Play a game inside or tag outside? Maybe I am lost in the complexity of life. Choices feel bigger now…a sort of life-or-death situation.

I lay there all day that day, unable to get up and unwilling to move. Paralyzed by life and what had come of it. I lingered all afternoon - swept up in the most basic pleasures of the world. Sitting in the sunshine looking for 4 leaf clovers. Drinking ice cold tea from a glass with a straw. At ease.

I thought of my younger self a lot that day. How hurt she was. How lost she had been and become. I thought of her and how she never thought she had any help. Maybe she didn’t want help…or didn’t know how to ask for it. Maybe she only wanted certain kinds of help. The kind of help that was on her terms…not the kind of help that the youngest person in the family gets which is always unsolicited and condescending.

That little girl in me laid there all afternoon…thinking about things…crying sometimes…curiously searching for 4 leaf clovers…did they even exist? Why are they so hard to find? Why are the good things so elusive?

How do we get so far off course? When do we lose our curiosity…our sense of play and wonder? Is it when we are trying to fit into the scheme of life in our teens, desperately not trying to call attention to ourselves. Or maybe it happens when we watch others. We begin the complexity of wanting.

We are paralyzed in our want these days. The trap of wanting is a real thing. At my age, I don’t care as much as I used to. I am comfortable enough in my surroundings and I am at the end of the search for accepting myself. So life seems okay.

So, the question is this: why am I pushing so hard and what exactly am I pushing? Should I just walk away? Will it all come crashing down?

It’s good to watch the rhythm of life every now and again…lie in the grass and just watch the ants marching to their nests and the bees buzzing around collecting nectar. For me, the best thing I can do now is to watch the seasons begin as I observe gently as the other ends. It gives me balance in my brain…a recognition that things always change and life always has a way of continuing on just as it needs to. Even when those ants are lugging around things bigger than them, they seem to know when to put it down, when to signal for help, or just when to stop. Even when the bee is fed up of searching for it’s nectar, it knows just how and where to rest and take a moment.

Maybe the answers are in slowing down. Laying in the grass. Letting that little girl inside me get what she deserves - peace, simple pleasures, rest, and stillness - so she can quit trying to be the adult here and run a show that is too big for her.

Time for a break. Time to rest.

Oh, to be 18 again...

in , ,

I don’t get to do a lot of senior photos. I love this age group though. It’s a special time where these people are primed for their next phase of life - whatever that may be. They are fairly confident at this point…in as much as an 18 year old can be. And they are simply ready for their next steps.

This senior shoot I did the other day was special. I have known this family casually for about 15 or more years and met this young lady when she was just a tot. We haven’t crossed paths many times, but it’s been nice to see her grow - both in person and virtually. She’s as lovely as they come and exactly who I wish I was at her age: smart, interesting, athletic, and outgoing. Unencumbered by opinions and life at this point.

We all got to talking on the shoot (if you know me at ALL, the shoot is more chatting about life really than the shooting)…her mother and I lamenting about “Oh…to be 18 again” as one does.

I told them there would be things I would change. Of course. There are some things I would change about my life. Mostly I am happy with how things turned out.

I am not one to dole out advice to anyone - new moms, young people about to embark on a new chapter. Some of that you have to figure out on your own. But I somehow decided to say this one thing…in hopes to remind us all to stop the madness.

I turned to her and said “If I could give you one piece of advice, it would be this: Stop worrying about the externals and focus more on the internals. Worry less about the outside of you, the outside world, the things out of your control, and focus on your insides….your mental health, physical well being, your learning and knowledge, how YOUR body works and where YOU find peace.”

I have been fighting this battle my whole life. Worrying about others. Worrying about what I looked like. Trying to control shit that is LITERALLY out of my control completely.

I would listen to others less and trust myself more. This is my ship - my vessel - and it’s mine to control. Not anyone else’s. I am leaning into this now - in phase 2 of my life. It’s been a hard lesson to learn because I have knotted so many pieces up involving the outside world. So when I don’t have peace, It’s because I have a knot connected somewhere OTHER than with myself.

I hope for my sake I can take my own advice. I hope I find the peace this lovely human seems to have been born with…the calm, the confidence, the clarity.

Oh to be 18 again…

Pushing my Limits

in , , ,

I have been pushing my limits this year.

Not to toot my own horn…none of these things have been life altering boundaries or obstacles. But I have continued to do the things that I thought were beyond me. I overcome some pretty big hurdles that I kept me in the zone of “this can’t be done” and pushed me right over to the “well look at me go!” side of things.

Honestly, I am surprising myself.

Most of it has been professional….and a few personal hurdles have been scattered around there. What I find most jarring though all this growth is how stuck I am in so many old beliefs…those old stories that just don’t seem to want to quit nagging my brain.

Why can’t I see that they are just like the email I got about a button not working on a website or incorporating new techniques into video edits. All these things are just challenges…little and large puzzles to be solved.

I guess it all sums up to what we give power to. The things that we feel small around are often the things that make us run and hide like a little girl hearing overhearing her parents arguing or a dog looking for it’s safe place a thunderstorm.

I am working hard at unlocking the puzzle of power within my own self this year. Things I want to know are things like where and when we hand it over, why we feel powerless, what makes us quake in our boots, and mostly, how to grab it back. What I don’t want is to feel a toddler fighting to get back his little toy train. I want to stand with presence in the face of fear…a calm knowing that I can bravely reclaim myself, my space, and my bravery.

All so I can just simply reclaim my power.

Easter Sunday

in , , , ,

Sweet little Easter eggs, just waiting to be made into something magical…

Today is Easter Sunday.

It’s one of my favorite days of the year. Or…it used to be.

There is something so magical about this time of year. Flowers blooming. Gardens changing. Easter baskets. Egg hunts. Brunches with mimosas and family. And the symbolism of rebirth is all around us. It’s just very special to me.

But lately - especially this year - I am spending Easter Sunday a bit differently. My son is grown and at a concert this weekend. My fiance is spending time with his aging parents today. My best friend is on a European adventure. And the rest of my family is…well…doing their own thing I guess.

One thing spring harkens is that change is evident. Always. And nothing shows this phenomonon better than Easter. Expect the unexpected is the clear message we get on this day. Miracles abound. But somehow, today has felt less than miraculous and a little more regular and mundane.

So I am spending the afternoon looking for a different kind of magic. I am searching for small miracles. Messages from my son saying he’s fine and on the way home. New plants growing out in the garden. And the bluebirds that have been hanging around my yard today singing songs of joy. It’s a sunny, clear, gorgeous day that I can only be thankful for - despite all the changes that have settled in.

And all I hear in my heart now is this clear and vibrant message: “Life is right here outside your door, my love. It’s playing a game of hide and seek with you. Come out and play.”

March 16, 2024

in , ,

ENGAGED!

A long time ago, I felt like I got lost along the way. And with the heaviness of life and the burdens of the world, I stayed there…for a long time. I trudged along hoping to find a way back - back to the light with my pack of misfits. Each day, we got deeper into a path that nobody knew how to navigate. Wild, overgrown, and disorienting, I searched for a way out if it all. But through the mud as I marched on, things got heavier, darker…more confusing. And my guiding lights lost their glow, growing dimmer and dimmer over my shoulder until one day I couldn’t see anything clearly.

Suddenly it was dark…and I was lost.

And then, there was a little light around me. Always there… in the background like an ember that never quite wanted to give up, there you were…glowing and warm and ready to help. You appeared like a flash in a dream I once had. You came stumbling into this little rag tag group of renegades and you simply said “Y’all just follow me.”

Nothing scared you off. Nothing ever does. You always run towards the fire, not away from it. You didn’t fear any of it. Not the brokenness or the tattered parts. Not the fear in my eyes nor the desperation in my heart. You stood, unflapped, calm, and sure of it all…sure of us. From the very beginning, it just felt safe and warm and easy - like my old teapot bathrobe or that ragged old blanket you cover yourself with each morning while you sip on steamy coffe from one of your mugs. And you let all my stuff become a part of you - for better or worse. All my broken pieces. You never walked away…even when you were scared of it all, you held my hand and I looked into your eyes for that steadiness I needed.

And here we are…finding our way in this world, bringing all the characters along for this wild ride…mainly because they all make it better. Messier. Louder. More interesting. And more adventurous. What a ride. And this is just the beginning.

I am lucky for your light…the path we are forging isn’t easy. But what I realize now is that maybe I wasn’t really ever lost. Maybe all this time what I thought was no direction was just me looking for a new route – a new path to a new way of life…moving together to our very own brave, new world. One that adds and doesn’t subtract. One that celebrates and tolerates. One that forgives and moves on. One that supports, builds.

One that loves. Big love. Shameless love. Huge love.

Johnny. I am so lucky. I am so happy to have you in my life.

Let’s go plan that forever party now. It’s gonna be so fun!

Good enough.

in , , , , ,

The Daffodils are here.

Things are new. Fresh again. The spring is bringing me messages more clear than a sunny winter sky these days…sunshiney as the daffodils peeking out at me with their bright happy faces.

I am now focused on what matters most. You see, I have spent the better part of my life focused on the wrong stuff. Things like what I look like. Or how much I weigh. Or how many calories I have consumed on any given day.

Our society counts on us not feeling like we are enough as we are. Because if we were enough, what would happen? If you weighed enough and your teeth were white enough and your pants were a perfect size…what would happen?

Or rather, what COULD happen?

For starters, I think we’d be content with what is in front of us and focus in on the things that matter to us most. Things like sunrises and sunsets, flowers and new foliage blooming in our own back yards, or food and fellowship with those we love most. The little things. The beautiful things.

We would be less focused on our aging faces or those big bellies we acquired somewhere along the way. We would be content to be as we are…as things are…as life is.

I am all for improving ourselves. But I think I got lost somewhere on this path thinking the improvements had to be external. Or visible to anyone. The changes have to come more with the reality of life…the reality of how small we really are. The reality that right here, right now is good enough.

The flowers don’t feel like they aren’t doing enough. They know they are okay. They live for each moment. They go dormant when they need rest and thrive when the conditions are good enough.

Not perfect. But good enough.

And so here we all are. Standing on the precipice of change, evolution, and everything that happens and has been happening. And it’s all been good enough.

So this spring. I beg of you - of me - to let this all just be good enough…as it is.