Twenty Two

Twenty-two.

As I write this entry, I remember you. Twenty-two years ago today, I was making a big pot of chili with some added flavor from the hot sauce Scott had made me from the our little summer garden on Stewart Street. I had thought about you a lot that day as I gazed at my plump, melon-shaped belly, imagining what you’d be like, who you’d look like, what was in for us.

I couldn’t have begun to imagine this life you gave me.

As I settled in that evening, I remember the calmness I felt. There was a knowing that washed over me that everything would be okay. It was a deep knowing that we were gonna be just fine despite the whispers and worries of friends and family. I wasn’t worried.

You see, I knew you were meant to be. I knew we were meant to be.

I loved you before you were born…before I ever conceived you really. A friend of mine looked at me when you were around 3 months old and said “Can you even imagine what your life was like before this?”

The truth is, I never could. I never did. You came along and just put it all in focus, painting the details in for me so I could finally see what was real. You made the impossible POSSIBLE. It’s one of your subtle gifts.

Watching you grow up has been my greatest privilege and honor. All those days at the beach and making grilled cheeses and doing legos and carpool went by at warp speed. I always wanted it to slow down. Enjoy the party. You are such a gift to me…to this world. I am excited to see the directions your life takes you and what you do with this one precious life. I will always be there, rooting for you, cheering from the sidelines.

I say this all the time to you, but don’t let the world tell you who to be. Don’t let me or Scott tell you what’s right for you. Or your friends. Or bosses. Only you know what’s right. Get quiet. Be still. And be you. Authentically you. Gloriously you. Unapologetically you.

Because the one thing I do know is that this world needs as much of you as it can get.

I love you.

Momma.

twenty

Twenty years.

I remember everything about the day you were born. I remember the time you started making your entrance into the world - on the first day of school. I remember my excited anticipation to finally meet you. I remember where my room was on the delivery hall, who came by to see me that day, and what your tiny newborn face looked like. I remember watching people cry and me just looking at you, marveling at the scene…wondering how I got so lucky to finally have the baby I always wanted.

The thing is, though, I don’t remember all the details of the past 20 years. They have flown by.

I remember car rides to school… road trips we took. I remember our quiet conversations in your lovely, soft bedroom light, and the never ending battle it was to first - get you to sleep as a baby, and years later - rouse you in the mornings for school. You always were a night owl.

I remember listening to your TV shows while I worked nearby and your deeper, developing voice as your played video games with your buddies over wifi. (I still am astounded by technology sometimes). I can hear the conversations we had as we planned out those elaborate wooden train tracks that we would play with for days on end. I can remember the angst in your voice as you sat down for homework and tried to put papers together that your ADD brain couldn’t handle at the time.

I remember YOU. How you make me feel - how you make everyone feel by just having you around - is programmed into my soul.

The experience I have had as your mother is singularly the best thing in my life. The feeling I have had with every sweet moment with you is seared into my soul - from day one to day 7300 (or something close to that). It’s been the best thing ever.

I have loved watching you grow into a man….into the human you are now. You have your own spirit that I will never squash. I love that you are brave and free and all of you. I love that you haven’t lost your empathy, your gentle spirit, your kindness, or your fire.

All these 20 years, the one thing I have asked of you - begged of you - is to not let the world change you. And thankfully, you haven’t. You are still YOU. But I would add that you are still becoming you. Becoming who we are is and evolving process. Hell, I am still doing it at 51. But you are doing it more gracefully than I could ever have done. I am so very proud of you.

Keep on being you, G. Keep on discovering you. Because this world needs who you are meant to be.

With all my heart, I love you,

Momma

50 Life Lessons

I turned 50 this week. Wow! What?!? I can’t believe this happened. I do NOT FEEL 50…until I do. Then I feel all of 50.

When I turned 40, I wrote out 40 things I have learned. So to extend the tradition, I thought I would revised it and post another list. This time, with 50 lessons. So here goes…

1. Always wear clean underwear. Or none at all. It doesn’t matter.

2. Take care of your teeth.

3. Take care of your health.

4. Take care of yourself. Hair. Eyes. Skin. Mental health. It’s all important.

5. Eat the rainbow. Not skittles. Fruit. Vegetables. Clean food.

6. Don’t forget to drink water.

7. Move. Everyday if you can.

8. You don’t have to explain your choices to anyone. Only you have to answer to the decisions you make.

9. Find some grace. For yourself. For others. It will serve you well.

10. Budget for things. I wish I could say I have mastered this, but I am learning.

11. Expect the unexpected. In all areas of life. Plot twists will happen often.

12. Do not forget how to have fun.

13. Know when to be serious.

14. Learn how to read the room.

15. Find the sunshine as often as you can.

16. Say yes more often.

17. Know when to say NO.

18. When you make a commitment to something or someone, follow through.

19. Be honest. Even when it hurts.

20. Learn how to like yourself. This is hard for most of us…

21. Don’t give up on love. It’s there. You just have to find it. It shows up when you are least expecting it. This is more true than I could ever tell you.

22. Be careful what you wish for.

23. Listen to your gut. Or your heart. Or whatever that niggling little voice is inside you. It know’s things.

24. Indulge a little. It’s okay.

25. Don’t discount the things you experience at a young age. You will go back to those little life experiences time and time again. They are the foundation of life.

26. Remember this when you are raising children. They take in more than you know.

27. Opportunity doesn’t always come in the shape you want it to. Sometimes it wears a serious disguise.

28. Floss your teeth.

29. Find a little balance.

30. Stop worrying. HARD STOP. Ninety Nine percent of the things you worry about are actually NEVER GOING TO HAPPEN.

31. Live with the stuff you love. Not the stuff people tell you to love. If you love comfy furnutre and barcaloungers, then get yourself a livingroom full of them. It’s your house and life. LIVE IT YOUR WAY!

32. Be wary of fads.

33. Be wary of people who tell you how you should think.

34. Do the research.

35. Love wholeheartedly and unabashedly. Stop listening to people telling you that you shouldn’t.

36. Surround yourself with people you want to be like. Remove the relationships that aren’t serving you. Edit your life often.

37. Give people a second chance. Maybe not a third. Or fourth.

38. Learn how to communicate well. How to talk. And, more importantly, how to LISTEN.

39. Don’t trust people who say they don’t like cats. Or dogs. They can prefer one to another. They can get what they like. But there is something seriously strange about a human who doesn’t like a specific kind of animal.

40. Try. Fail. Try again. Fail again. Keep trying until you figure it out.

41. There usually isn’t just one way to get somewhere. Stop taking the main roads.

42. Do your best. Every day. Wake up and commit that you will try harder. It’s okay if you don’t succeed.

43. There is a lot of life to be had offline. A lot of experience is out there.

44. We live in a great country. Voting is important. People have fought for this right. As in LOST THEIR LOVES FOR THIS. It is your duty to do this.

45. Children are harbingers of hope and joy and fear. Listen deeply to them.

46. Be patient. Be kind. Hold space for grace for yourself and others.

47. Connect with something bigger that yourself.

48. Take time to meditate. Or pray. Or breathe. It will do you a world of good.

49. Learn how to forgive.

50. Celebrate yourself. Every chance you get. All the things you’ve done. Because trust me…it’s more than you know.

Eighteen

Dear Graham.

You turned eighteen this week. For days, I have been trying to find the words to express my feelings. But for the first time, I am at a loss. I feel like a ship at sea…no oars, no land in sight. I feel like someone took me on a wild ride and then slammed on the brakes. It’s disorienting and overwhelming all at the same time.

People always talk about how fast it goes. They talk about how the days are long, but the years are short. And you know what? It’s true. It went at lightening speed. It feels like you were only just my little baby I rocked to sleep in the stillness of the night while the rest of the world gently slumbered around us. Nothing else mattered in the darkness of those long nights. Just you.

And then, within months, life started gaining momentum like a high-speed train through the countryside. You were just my little tot, toddling around watching Elmo and Bear in the Big Blue House, excited to eat your little Cheerio snacks. Then you were headed to preschool…to middle school…to high school…to karate…to rugby games. Where did it all go? I feel stunned.

But this isn’t about me, is it? It’s about you. It’s about the person you have become…the person you are becoming. It’s about how much you have changed the world. You have already changed my world. And for that, I am forever grateful.

You are a man now…your own person. You are capable of voting and working and driving a car on your own with no curfews or restrictions. You are on the precipice of adulthood, making your own decisions about what you eat each day and where you spend your time. It’s no longer up to me to tell you what friends to play with or what to have for breakfast or what new shoes to wear…not that I ever really could before. You’ve always had your own ideas. Sometimes that was hard. But hindsight makes you see everything more clearly. It has all been for the greater good.

Graham, if I can give you one piece of advice for this next phase of your life, it’s this: Be. You.

Be unapologetically you. Don’t edit yourself for the benefit of the world. Because frankly, you need no editing. You are an incredible, kind, aware, empathetic human - beautiful. This incredible nature is in your bones…in your heart…in your soul. It’s every piece of who you are, every piece of who I see. You are so deeply beautiful, some people may never see it. But it’s as visible to me as your sunkissed blonde hair and sea green eyes.

Most people spend a lifetime trying to get to where you already are. You already have it. You are there. You were born with it. And it has stayed with you these 18 years. Don’t put this part down. Let the world rise up to meet you right now.

Our world isn’t always made for kindness and empathy. It’s not made for softness. But, my sweet soul, it needs it. This world needs you to stay the course of the person I see rising up before my very eyes. We need men that care, men that are kind, and men that have hearts of gold - both strong and soft… a beacon of hope, glimmering in the dust and darkness of the world. Be that.

Be. You.

Because being you is the thing that is going to help bring about change in this world. It’s already changed mine.

Love,

Momma

Jennifer

This one…

She has been standing by my side through this life with me for a while now…about 30+ years if I am doing the math right. Our friendship has outlasted careers and bad boyfriends, life and death, and even distance and proximity. There have been years I wouldn’t have made it through without her friendship, or her unyielding support. Her love is the perfect blended cocktail of strength and kindness for my thirsty soul.

She knows so much about me, often more than I can admit about myself. She listens to everything - and I mean EVERYTHING - that I am going through without batting an eye at the minuscule details I seem to cover. She calmly holds space for me in times of grief and patiently waits for me to come through whatever fog life has put in my path, always gently guiding me where I need to be.

But I think there are things she doesn’t know sometimes - like how much her texts mean to me each day or how strongly I value her opinion. She doesn’t know that I realize she almost single-handedly got me to actually pursue photography again after years of putting the camera down. It was this girl that held me up when I was falling apart a few short years ago in ways I can’t begin to express my gratitude for. And it is her that reminds me almost daily that I am worthy of so much more than what I ask for.

And here we are…her special day. A monumental occasion.

So, how do you celebrate a human that is this special to you on a day this special to them?

Candy? Balloons? A Party? A blog post? Nothing seems to fit this occasion. It all seems like an ill-fitting pair of cheap shoes that are wrong for the event. Too tight, stiff and awkward.

What I can do is share with you that I have hit the jackpot of friendships. What I can say is that she means more to me that she will ever comprehend. What I can tell you is that my gratitude for her unyielding support is immeasurable and undefinable.

Mostly though, what I can do is try to show her the same friendship, kindness and support she has shown me over these 30 years. What I can do it hold space for her as she continues to grow into the human she is meant to be - creative, kind, talented, smart, thoughtful, and generous with all of her.

Happy Birthday, my friend. May all your birthday wishes come true.

xox

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Dear Little Girl.

Dear Little Girl.

You. Are. Beautiful. You are braver than you think, kinder than you know, and smarter than you give yourself credit for. You have gifts inside that are just waiting to be uncovered and unearthed. But it's up to you to do it.  

I know you. And I know you are scared. I know you somehow took on the notion that you weren't good enough, smart enough, pretty enough... I understand that you don't feel right in your skin. Too big, too loud, too different than the others that seem to float together like a school of silvery little fish, floating in a rhythm that seems to sync up perfectly while you float alone, trapped in netting you are just too tired to try to escape from.

My whole life, I have been watching you...your strength and your whole-heartedness are unmatched. I have seen you do the impossible. Given these circumstances, who could possibly survive? Yet... still, I have seen you bravely carve the most unique life path - not knowing what's next, not knowing where it's leading. I have watched as this world stripped you shamefully bare and expected unrealistic things of you. And through your tenacity and utter heart, I have watched as you delivered every last one. 

It's not you who is failing. It's the world who has failed you. It has destroyed hope in all the places you were supposed to feel safe. But still, here you are. On the eve of your birthday, still smiling, still full of heart, still courageously standing in the storms of life.

You are mine. And I am yours. And I am here to guide you through the rest of this journey, full of love and void of fear. I am here to show you how to navigate the rest of this twisting, unchartered path of life. So take my hand. Don't be afraid. We have got this...together.

Love,
Me

Sixteen

Here we are...sweet sixteen.

I'm not sure it feels as sweet from this end.  No longer my snuggly little boy. Not yet a full independent man. But you are well on your way. It's inevitable. The clock just ticks along...and with each passing day, change is eminent.

You tower over me now. At 6'1", you are man-sized. But its your spirit that remains so sweet. It's still got the innocence of you when you were a toddler waking up from a nap – bleary-eyed and drunk with thoughts of dreams that made you full of wonder and curiosity. Sometimes, it makes it hard for me to see you as the man you are becoming.

This past year was hard. It was a year of growth. A year of hurdles. You gave up a little, and then you gave it all you had. You learned such big lessons about life. You know when to ask for help and where to look for it. You know what struggle looks like and how it feels to be hopeless. More importantly, you know how it feels to be empowered. Strong. Capable. And in control. You know how to change the story with mindset, grit and grace.

The year ahead will be something you remember forever. I often reflect on my 16 year-old self and what she did. The mistakes she made and the trails she faced. So this is my advice to you: Make good choices.  You are ready for the year ahead, but the world will test you - pushing back like a the bully it can be. That's how it works. Stand resilient in it's face. Just keep remembering who you are.

You are good.

You are kind.

You are strong.

You are smart.

You are talented beyond your years.

You are gracious.

And yes, you are beautiful. Full of heart. Full of soul. And full of wonder.

You are wonder-full.

I love you, sweet Graham. Happy Birthday.

Fifteen.

Fifteen.

How did we get here?

You are now well into in high school. A full-blown teenager. A rising sophomore. You are a rugby player and really close to becoming a full blown adult black belt – a true testimony to your grit. You are almost driving now - which scares the heck out of me. You are 6 feet tall (or more) and truly more beautiful than anyone I know - inside and out. You are kind and compassionate. You are braver and far more daring than most people I know. You are more patient than anyone I know - despite what your last name indicates. And you are so gentle and sweet with animals that it truly melts me.

I can't believe what an amazing human being you are. As much as I hate the passage of time and mourn that little baby that grew up way too fast, I am inspired and full of awe at who you are becoming. It's such an incredible thing to witness from this side of life.

I don't worry now about the the things that regular parents think about – the trouble you'll get into and the mistakes you'll make. That's how we learn, grow, evolve and become. What keeps me up at night now is whether this world will break you. I worry that it will convince you to be something you are not, or stifle that which you are. Because what you are is truly one of the most beautiful spectacles I have ever witnessed.

Your gifts are great, Graham. Your heart is huge. On your birthday this year, all I wish for as you blow out the candles is that you keep that with you forever. Don't let this world break you. Don't let them take you over. Own YOU... because what you are is a beautiful soul.

Fifteen is big. Take precious care of this age. But mostly, enjoy every last second.

Love,
Momma

Fourteen.

You are 14 today. Fourteen. No longer a little boy, and well on your way to becoming a grown man. In a few short days, you are off to high school – out of the little bubble and into a whole new world full of choices and decisions and some of the best and most lasting memories of your lifetime. These are special years, indeed. At this point, all I can do is hope I have built you a solid foundation. The rest is up to you. Well...mostly up to you. Hopefully, you are ready to face the teenage hurdles and roller coaster ride ahead of you.

Before you step off onto this next path, I want you to remember a few things. Just some simple advice I have gathered for you after going through my life as I watch you spread your wings into becoming your own person.

_______________________________________________________

Go with your gut. It won't let you down. It never has. You will always have the right answers within you. Trust. And let go.

Remember your family. They will be here. No matter what. And remember that family can be defined any way you choose.

Trust yourself. You will make the right choices. You always have.

Speak up. If someone is doing something they shouldn't be, say something. To them. To me. To someone who can help. You will always find someone willing to help.

Respect yourself. Respect your body. Treat it well. Don't feed it junk. Brush your teeth. Floss. Shower. Take care of yourself. Rest when you need it. Exercise as much as you can. Be in tune to it's needs. It will tell you everything you need to know.

Respect others. Respect their space, their land, their customs, and their cultures. This world is full of all sorts of people. We are only a small portion of that.

Stay curious. You won't stop learning this year. Or in college. Or as an adult. And just so you know, learning gets better with age. Never lose your curiosity.

Stay creative. Everyone is creative. Not just artists and writers and chefs and scrapbookers. All jobs require a level of creativity. It's a necessary part of life in any field - motherhood, fatherhood, doctors and road workers. Everyone needs a little creativity. 

Love deeply. It will hurt sometimes, but it will also be the best thing you've done.

Have a plan, but don't be afraid to wander a lot. It's important. Having a plan let's you have a roadmap as to where you sort of want to go. Write it down. But let it change. And don't be afraid to wander. You will always always always end up where you were supposed to in the first place.

Have confidence. But don't be cocky. Know you have got whatever it is you want. That test. That job. That new belt in karate. Half of the battle is having the confidence to say that you can do it. The rest is up to hard work and perseverance.

And last, but certainly not least...

Don't let this world change you. Don't stop being kind or considerate or compassionate. It's who you are. It's why you exist. The Graham I know was born to love hugely and feel deeply. That's a good thing. That essence will project you into the human you were meant to be. Don't let life take that away or change that part of you. Don't let anyone tell you who you are supposed to be other than who you are in that moment. Not me. Not your teachers. Not yourself. YOU DO YOU! And the rest will take care of itself. Remain authentic and the world will rise up to meet you.

I love you, big guy! Happy 14th Birthday! I can't wait to see what this world has in store for you!

Thirteen

Here we are again...another year has gone, tucked away into our memories now. Hidden behind Christmases, vacations and birthdays and beachtrips. These days that pass often seem so long when we are in the middle of them while life steals precious seconds away from us. But our years together seem much too short for my aching heart as I watch you change overnight these days.

You are 13 now. Thirteen. Well on your way to becoming a man. No longer the little baby I held so close all those terribly short and fleeting years.

Where did it all go? It slipped by us in a flash, didn't it?  Karate lessons, school projects and carpool have given way to the young man I am looking at everyday now. Years slip by too quickly. But they have yielded a lovely and empathetic boy who is growing and already taller than me. It doesn't seem possible. This is never what I imagined. Yet, here we are. At thirteen.

I am not sure where we go from here. I am not sure what the next years look like. I fear the speed will start to pick up at a pace I cannot keep up with. Soon, college will be looming and I will not know what happened to these sweet, long days filled with cartoons and and too many screens. I will wonder why I didn't drag you kicking and screaming to the beach to watch more sunsets and let the warm waves wash over us. I will wonder how I have known you for so long, yet is seems like yesterday they handed me the chunky little baby who didn't look at all like a newborn in that hospital room all those years ago. Thirteen years ago.

Thirteen is new territory. It marks a definite change in things...in you. No longer a little boy. But yet not quite grown up. I stand here clinging to the past, yet so excited to see what the future holds for you. I know it will be filled with love and joy and strength - just as you are.

I hope this world doesn't change you too much. I hope you remember to stay as you are -  strong yet soft, curious and cautious, big with the knowledge of how small you really are in the grand scheme of it all. Mostly, I hope you remember all these wonderful gifts you have carried since birth. You have so many gifts - and they are far too big for wrappings and bows. They are real. They are what counts.

Today, I wish for you to blow out the candles on your cake and dream big. Make it count. And don't let anyone tell you that you can't have those dreams - not even me. Especially not me! I am sure I will do it. We parents make silly mistakes. We have our fears and beliefs. And we try to protect you from them as well. But those dreams are yours. Own them! They are real. Today is the day to start believing that. Today is the day to start believing in yourself even more than you ever have before. Because you are going to do great things. You are capable of anything.

Remember that I love you. There are 13 years between us on this planet, but an endless amount of years I have known you in my heart. And everyday, that love grows impossibly and exponentially bigger.

Happy Birthday, Graham. I am looking forward to every single long day and short year ahead.

Happy Birthday, Dad.

A photo of my dad - taken 12 years ago today.

It never gets easier. The hole is always there, waiting to be opened up again. It's all at the surface - or just below - waiting for me to trip across some memory. Waiting for me to remember how many days, weeks, months, years it's all been since we last held hands...since you last called me "Love."

Years. How can it be years?

It is though....long days yield their way to short years. And it still all feels so fresh.

But today - today we celebrate. Because if it wasn't for you, none of us would be here. Not these babies you held in your lap so proudly. Not me. Not my sweet house on a quiet street with the light fixture we wrestled with that hot afternoon that still hangs over the table - just a little dustier now. The memories wouldn't be here of swims in the warm, southern ocean or grilled fish in the evening sunlight in the sweet house by the sea.

Without you, I wouldn't care about golf or tennis. I wouldn't have memories of roller coasters or road trips. I wouldn't know about puzzles or checkers or cards or counting change from the dryer. Toasting bread in the fire on those long, northern winter nights never would have happened. And I never would have learned how to sled or shovel snow or cuss like a sailor when I stubbed my big toe.

Who would have taught me to ride a bike or swim or sing silly songs in the late afternoon light. Who would have tucked me in safe to bed each night when I was always wanting to stay up just a few more minutes. And who ever would I have loved as much as all the stars in the sky and grains of sand in the ocean?

So today, I rejoice in you, Dad. I remember the good and not the bad. I remember the joyful and the sad. We had such great times together - so much time I am grateful for.  I only wish we could have carried on that party a little bit longer, just a little bit later into the night...just a few more minutes.

Happy Birthday, Dad. I miss you ever so much.