Beginning again.

I am stepping gently into 2025 right now.

I am not grabbing it by the horns or seizing the day. I am walking cautiously ahead. Quietly. Easefully.

Like you, I’ve done the resolutions before. I’ve done the “word of the year.” I have done the vision boards and journaling and enough goal setting to make a corporate CEO promote me to become their right hand man. I have done it all. And you know what I have learned: life has it’s own plan.

That’s not to say I am giving up, or without goals or a vision for the rest of my life. I have vision and purpose. I have things I am trying to accomplish in the rest of my days here on this planet. But I know things all work out in due time…which is not necessarily MY time.

If last year taught me anything, it was to expect a lot of changes in plans. This has happened to me a lot in my adult life. And as I write these words, I am trying to teach my adult son that those curve balls life launches at you are there to make you a stronger human capable of big things. The better you handle those minor setbacks, the better your outlook on life becomes.

December was particularly hard this year. We had a lot of pivoting to do including the loss of my future Mother-in-law. It came on fast and furious and seemed to swallow us whole during the holidays. For the first time in 40 years, I wasn’t “home” for the holidays. And you know what? I think it was my favorite holiday yet!

One thing that got me through the holidays this year was a text from a friend that reached out. In the middle of funeral planning and life happening, I was getting stressed about not having done anything. We had no tree up, no presents were bought, no cookies were baked. And I was just not feeling it.

“I’ve done nothing for Christmas yet…” I bemoaned in a text message.

Her response stuck with me and became my guiding light through the end of a difficult time. “You really don’t have to “do” anything.” She said. “It’s about being with the people you love and celebrating the promise of new/continuing life in winter’s darkness. I bet you are perfectly prepared for that. You can buy shit anytime.”

And with that, I pivoted.

Everything became easier. All my decisions became more clear. The pressure fell away. We had each other and we would all be together and that’s really all that mattered at the time. My focus changed from what I wouldn’t get done to what I could get done. And with that, Christmas was reborn for me.

So that’s how I am going into the new year. I don’t have to set intentions or goals. I don’t have to color in a vision board or scratch words into a journal. It’s about having a purpose to get up every day…for you, that may be the gym. For me right now, it’s spending time with myself and family, giving everything and everyone the grace and space they need to move ahead.

Each day has a promise… and that promise is to begin again. That’s all we can do while we have the time to do it here on earth.

Begin again.

Thirty days.

Turning over that new leaf…

For the past few years, I have abandoned my desire to create some sort of “resolution.” I often feel too pressured by them and the fear of failing 2 weeks in always looms over me. Because if I am being honest, I have never fully followed through with any of it. It’s just human nature to slip back into habits that are familiar, comforting and easy.

What I did instead is create a 30 day habit to get into. Nothing too complicated, but something that could ass to my life rather than remind me of what I am not doing. I have added watercolor painting (which I fell in love with and know I need more of in my life) and a daily walking habit (despite having some pretty severe plantar fasciitis at the time).

While I don’t do either thing continuously through the year, I do love the habit and ritual behind them. They ground me into a routine and perhaps something a little on the healthy side - which I really love. And the practice of making you do 30 continuous days of something is a good way to start any new habit.

While I have no ideas of grandeur that any of these practices will become an actual thing I do every day, I like the reminder that it is something I can practice more of.

It took me a few days to choose something this year…but I have decided that writing is going to be my daily practice. Perhaps here. Perhaps in a journal. Perhaps on social media. But I will do something each day.

Writing helps me process what’s in my brain better than any other thing I do. It allows me to make sense of thoughts that loom over me like dark shadows in the night and helps me work out schedules and routines as I stumble through what’s next in my busy mind. It helps slow me down and dive into clear thinking. And friends - that is something I could use a lot more of these days as I navigate a new chapter this year.

I hope you find something to inspire yourself this year. It could be today or in 3 months. New Years doesn’t have to be the marker. It could be on your birthday or any random wednesday (like me!). This just feels like it fits for me - right here…right now.

In the meantime, you can catch me on one of those walks, or picking up those paintbrushes. It’s been a long time coming and I can’t wait to ground down into something comforting.

Buckle up

If I am being honest, the end-of-the-year scares the crap out of me. Perhaps it’s the “letting go” part that I am not good at. Or maybe it’s the goal-setting, intention-making, resolution-creating that scares the crap outta me. But it all feels so much like I am not living up to an expectation that floats around out there like a half-filled helium balloon - a little too far out of my reach.

This has been a heavy ending to a year that made promises it couldn’t keep - just like so many years before it (I’m looking at you 2020 - 2023). We have sick family, thwarted plans, and lost friends. And it just feels like a lot these days.

As I hung up the phone with my now fiancé a few moments ago (more to come on this news breaker!), he said “It’ll be our turn soon…”

I responded immediately with “maybe when it’s just our turn, that means we don’t have anyone left in our lives to worry about. No parents. No children. No close friends. I’ll take over that any day.”

I have seen my share of down days. But this isn’t that. It’s a gentle reminder that love digs deep and letting go isn’t always something we aim for. Maybe I have spent all my years trying to let go of something that was so much a part of my being, I didn’t see it. Like aborting a part of my soul that I never recognized.

Maybe my weight is just a part of me I’ve tried to deny for too long. Diets would never work and resolutions to lose weight were being thwarted because I just never saw it for what it was…a part of me. Even when I tried to make gentle resolutions or set intentions - like BE MORE MINDFUL - it always seemed like I was telling myself I didn’t measure up as I was.

Maybe instead of aggressive resolutions and strong finishes, we focus on being gentle with ourselves, focus on what’s important, love where we are and what we have right now, and take precious care of us. Let’s reflect on what we did do in 2023 and what lessons we learned and float gently into the new year - like a feather and not a bomb.

I am not here for the STRONG FINISHES or hard and set goals for 2023. I have spent the better part of my life trying to accomplish things that never get done. And frankly, I am exhausted from trying to keep up. I am here for soft, gentle, and loving. Because I am just now realizing I respond to gentle encouragement much better than commands anyhow.

So this year, my intention, my hope, my mission is this: let’s see where this ride takes us, shall we?

Just don’t forget to buckle up!

My best self

I resolve to love more and to give more. I resolve to be more gracious at receiving. I resolve to be more aware and mindful each day – to move more and eat healthier. I will work harder at being my best self.

But I also resolve to stop judging myself and others and to know - without a doubt -  we are all generally doing the best we can with what we know. I resolve to stop holding myself to ridiculous standards that don't mean anything to me and to set my own goals that will set me up for successes.

I resolve to remember that just because today is a day on the calendar, that it doesn't mean anything. There are 365 days this year - each one a chance at redemption, love and becoming who I am supposed to be. So if I lapse or falter or trip, I am here, to pick me right back up and set me back on my path... venturing towards my best self.

Back to me.