Letting go of worry

I strive for this level of peace in my heart, comfort with my body, and overall lack of worry.

“If there is a way to overcome a situation, then instead of feeling too much sadness, fear or anger, make an effort to change the situation. If there is nothing you can do to overcome the situation, then there is no need for fear or sadness or anger. Face the facts and the reality. Fear is part of human nature. It is a natural response that comes in the face of danger. But, in fact, when real danger comes you can be more fearless and more realistic. On the other hand, when you let your fear run wild, you can exacerbate the situation further and bring more fear…live your life with purpose.”

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I read this quote from the Dalai Lama in a book I am reading right now - JOY - recommended to me by my brother-in-law about a year ago. The book is a record of conversations between the Dalai Lama and Desmond Tutu - two of the greatest leaders in our world.

The book is interesting, but this one quote has completely stood out to me. It stopped me in my tracks…not because of it’s complexity, but rather it’s simplicity.

I have spent a tremendous amount of time in my life worrying about things that never come to fruition. I worry about everything and nothing. I worry about things that won’t matter in the long run…about feelings I have hurt or those that have hurt me. The amount of time I spend fretting over things is astounding and could probably give me a second career if it paid well.

I have been working with a coach lately. The past 6 months have been extremely hard for me. I struggled with depression and anxiety worse than I can remember in my 50+ years on this planet, most of it for no good reason. I am learning what triggers me, what I need to do, and how to fulfill my own needs as a human. It’s not as easy as it sounds.

Or is it?

Maybe the key to happiness and ending suffering - as the Dalai Lama said - is in the letting go. Maybe the key is in the reflection of what really matters. I am not sure where it all got off track. Was it when my parents died? When I became estranged from my sister? Was it when I ran out of money and work during the pandemic? Or is it leftover from the pandemic? Maybe it’s all of it….

What I do know is the letting go feels so complicated. Perhaps this is because I am making it hard. Perhaps I don’t know what I’d do without the death grip of anxiety. Would I know what to do next? How to breathe? How to exist?

I do know that I will try daily to make this a practice. Stop running away from the things I can fix and manage them better. It’s really the least I can do for me.

Give yourself grace in this complicated world. life is too short to carry the burdens for others. Let them go - here, now, forever. And take care of yourself.

Happy Place

This is my happy place.

I come here when I need to feel peace. I love it most in the winter when there are few people taking up space and I can feel the expansiveness of the universe - of myself - in the open. Summertime it takes on a different vibe with music humming, moms calling out for their kids, busy shell seekers and lots of sun worshippers out there for revelry and merry-making.

But the beach in winter is a different thing…a spiritual place full of wide open spaces to breathe, think, be.

Winter is a perfect time to dig into these parts of me. The world is hibernating, collecting energy for what’s to come. Spring is always around the corner here, ready to leap out and celebrate with us. Ready to show us what’s possible when we rest and reflect. So it’s no wonder I am drawn time and time again back to the beach in winter. Deep breathing and reflection is what I need - especially right now.

The ocean always tells me what I need to hear. It reminds me that everything happens in cycles, the push and pull will remain there - regardless of how much I fight it. And each time that tide recedes, treasures reveal themselves. Regardless if you can see them or not, despite their size or value…they are still treasures just below the surface waiting and wanting to be revealed.

The beach reminds me that the sands will shift and change - water, wind, and weather make this happen daily. The shoreline will become unrecognizable at times. But things always take their shape. It is always going to be there….as a guide. And when you stand still for too long on that waters edge, you need to change that footing or the sea will do it for you.

The sea opens my heart in ways I wasn’t aware of most of my life. It feels like it’s a direct portal to the universe - full of lessons and love and things that light up my soul in ways I can only imagine some feel attending church on a Sunday with their tribe of like-minded souls. It’s where I am closest to myself and the universe…everything mystical seems possible at the beach on a winter afternoon. Peace. Love. Presence.

So if you need me in the near future, you can find me here. Just taking a few deep breaths and finding my scale in the grand scheme of life here…just like the rest of the grains of sand under my bare feet.

Preserving YOU

How do you rescue yourself? What is the thing you look at as a life ring when you feel like you ship is sinking? Do you lean on self care? Isolate yourself from toxic energy? Unplug?

What if the ship that is sinking is caused by you? Or even worse, what if the very thing you need saving from is YOU? Your voice? Your negative thoughts? What if the thing you need having from is the one thing you can’t escape from?

If I have learned something in life, it’s that I need to have many things to help save me. I have had both healthy and unhealthy habits. And I understand it as a trial and error. It feels like trying on pants in a dressing room…most don’t fit right, but when you find the right one for YOU, it’s magical.

I have tried all kinds of things. And many things work. I have also leaned on things that aren’t so good. It feels as messy and tangled as the rope that holds this life ring up. But to be honest, you have to experience it all before you know what’s right or wrong for YOU.

I think the most important part - do whatever you do with intention…intention of saving you, preserving you.

Lock the door and throw away the key

Lately, I have really had the urge to padlock myself behind a heavy door and throw away the key. Just hibernate and regroup to come to terms with myself.

We are saturated with information every day. The world tells us a lot of things. What to think. What to wear. What to look like. How old to be. Who to love. What to eat. I feel as though we are all being bombarded with information - or more likely, MIS-information - about who we are in relation to the rest of the world. It’s exhausting.

So the thought of locking myself away in a cozy little place and letting myself be comfortable with who I am sounds really appealing to me these days. I want to get to know me and only me….sort of like I would do if I was dating myself.

I have lived a life as an unlocked door - open for passers by to come inside and get comfortable. I let anyone have the keys - men, women, friends, and family were all allowed access to me, allowed inside to come in and get comfy or a soft place to land. Don’t get me wrong… I don’t mind a little compromise, but I think what I did is to give away to much space in my heart.

It turns out that when you give people free access to your insides, they trash the joint like a band of twenty year old college renters with zero stakes in the game. They take that cushy pad they landed in and stain the carpets, leave water prints on the coffee table, break the appliances, and walk away with all the valuables, leaving you to clean it all up.

Trust me, I know this is a choice I made. A pleaser by nature, I wanted people to walk away feeling good from me. But what happened was I let them walk away with all my best stuff. They raided the china cabinet and left me the dirty dishes.

It’s time to heal. It’s time to regroup. It’s time to take precious care of what’s behind that door. I’ve got some serious repair work to do.

So maybe this us where I will sit - behind this big locked door. No access for the outside world. Just me and myself - getting reacquainted with each other.

The light through the dark.

The color seeping through is like salve to my soul…reminding me to breathe, be still, and know. It’s there to help me remember me that through the some of these hard days, I am okay. I will be okay.

A person. A phone call. A text. An animal. A sunset through the trees. It’s all there gently reminding you to remember that you are okay.

The light is always there. You just have to want to see it.

If you are struggling with anxiety or depression, please know that it’s okay and normal. Life is hard enough and this year was a doozy. Reach out if you need an ear. I will always respond to you!