Back to the Basics

I am tired. Weary.

I am tired of feeling like I am not enough…and yet, somehow, too much.

I am sick of being sold shit at EVERY DAMN MOMENT of my life. Since when did we need so much CRAP!

I am tired of toxic positivity. Not every day needs to be slayed. Really. Some days you need to just rest.

I am over caring about anything but comfort. That goes for clothes. Routines. Food. Work. And the rare show I decide to watch (I’m looking at you Fraiser).

I am tired of politics. The pitting against each other. The bickering. The back and forth. The aggressive behavior on both side. It’s humiliating to watch. Like being inside of a massively dysfunctional family dynamic that none of us can escape from.

I am sick of feeling responsibility for everything because I am a sponge for others emotions. For the love of god, someone out there please tell me how to be Teflon.

I am tired of all of the minutia that occupies my brain when I could be doing something useful with it…coming up with better ideas for living a smaller life and making a difference for those I know and love. The only change I can influence is my immediate circle. I have found that it’s rare to make a statement that can change the world. But you can do things to change your world.

I am tired of living large. Dreaming big. I want simple. I want to feel full of heart when I look at the ocean, or a little hermit crab, or a bird perched on my fence post, or a flock of Canadian geese flying in formation. I want to see the wonder in how bees work together and feel fresh air on my face and be so excited that my legs covered in cellulite and scars can still hold me upright after 50+ years. What a MIRACLE it would be to LOVE ourselves as we are.

I am just done.

So for now, you may find me doing the simple things. I will keep posting about the things that feel pure and fill my heart. I will find magic in the minutia. You can find me there…in the garden watching the bees, or at the beach looking for that perfect shell, laying on my back watching clouds change shape as they float by. Looking at flowers as they open wide and fireflies as they LITERALLY produce a magical glowing light from their bodies. I’ll be chasing waterfalls and searching for stars in the sky and rainbows after a storm.

I am going back to the beginning when things were simpler and curiosity was what ruled the day.

I am going back - back to the basics.

Support Staff

Our cat, Fez (or Mrs. Fezziwig if we are being formal) has taken up residence on my desk for her daytime naps now (mmmhmmmm...it's super convenient). I am not gonna lie. I feel a little hijacked by her constant watch and grooming schedule. She keeps one eye and 2 ears on me all day - sleeping while I type, napping while I design, watching while I edit photos or write. If I get up, she is very aware of my movements. She seems intent on being close, which make me wonder what is happening in that tiny body. Is it her advanced age that makes her need to be near me? Is it her way of making peace with me for peeing on my curtains? Or is it her way of making sure no food opportunity gets by her? Regardless, she is staying uncomfortably close these days.

I am fascinated by what brings creatures the comfort they seek. As I type, my Golden Retriever sits a yard away. The cat is sleeping peacefully by my left hand. Our black mix dog, Sasha, sits by my right foot. None of the spots look particularly comfortable. But they are all within immediate view of me. I am their person. I bring them food, water, access to the Great Outdoors, adventure, treats and everything in between. They seem to love being as close as possible at most times of the day.

I supposed I get the same comfort from them, too. I listen to them sigh, pat them on the head as I walk by them, and offer them words of kindness and praise when I can. Maybe, in a way, I am offering this to myself as much as anyone. Could it be that it's me who is getting the comfort from them while they diligently do their jobs keeping watch? Perhaps they know my needs more than I really do.

So I guess it's not so bad after all having a napper at my left and two on my right throughout the long days at my desk. It's probably what I needed all this time to get through these longer days - a little extra encouragement and a little more love to make it through editing, designing, writing and facebooking  with a little extra support by my side.

El Gato Diablo

If you follow me on Facebook, you may have seen this video I posted about my life in hell recently. Only, in my world this happens at 2:19 AM...when I am (conveniently) sound asleep. And for no real reason but that she needs something that I haven't figured out. What's worse...I am wide awake for another 2 hours - minimum. Let's just say mornings here have been a little hard on me.

Don't let this face fool you. On the outside she's all fuzzy and cute. But on the inside, the devil lives there. Yes. I am sure of it. And as patient as I am with most animals, 2:19 AM is NOT a wake up time for food or water or whatever else you need to communicate that I am not giving you.

Someone please send her the memo.