fear

Pushing my Limits

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I have been pushing my limits this year.

Not to toot my own horn…none of these things have been life altering boundaries or obstacles. But I have continued to do the things that I thought were beyond me. I overcome some pretty big hurdles that I kept me in the zone of “this can’t be done” and pushed me right over to the “well look at me go!” side of things.

Honestly, I am surprising myself.

Most of it has been professional….and a few personal hurdles have been scattered around there. What I find most jarring though all this growth is how stuck I am in so many old beliefs…those old stories that just don’t seem to want to quit nagging my brain.

Why can’t I see that they are just like the email I got about a button not working on a website or incorporating new techniques into video edits. All these things are just challenges…little and large puzzles to be solved.

I guess it all sums up to what we give power to. The things that we feel small around are often the things that make us run and hide like a little girl hearing overhearing her parents arguing or a dog looking for it’s safe place a thunderstorm.

I am working hard at unlocking the puzzle of power within my own self this year. Things I want to know are things like where and when we hand it over, why we feel powerless, what makes us quake in our boots, and mostly, how to grab it back. What I don’t want is to feel a toddler fighting to get back his little toy train. I want to stand with presence in the face of fear…a calm knowing that I can bravely reclaim myself, my space, and my bravery.

All so I can just simply reclaim my power.

Falling to pieces

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Yesterday, I was falling to pieces.

Literally couldn’t pick myself up off the ground and motivate to do anything positive whatsoever in the face of this virus that has made the world come to a screeching halt on every conceivable level. Every moment was spent ladled in doubt, depression and doom. “What ifs…” were plaguing me with paralyzing fear on a level that I haven’t experienced in quite a while.

As I sat frozen and helpless in the dining room, these flowers I gathered last week caught my eye. For they, too, were falling to pieces.

I wondered if it hurt them to fall apart like that. I wondered if they felt it in their core like I did yesterday. I also wondered if they felt a bit of levity after their release and that things were calmer, lighter, easier.

I slowly started coming apart at the seams then. And I allowed myself it to happen. Everything was hard. I sat in my room, tears trailing down my cheeks in the most horrifically familiar pattern. I have been here before in this virtual prison, mired in the depths of despair and doom. It feels like what I imagine it is to be buried alive. Suffocating. Heavy. Deep and thick like the pluff mud at the end of my street. I couldn’t bear to let anyone see me that afraid and vulnerable. So I stayed there motionless, curled in a ball in my room, crying into the pillows, wondering how I would make it out of yet another hole of despair on my own again.

Then came the words everyone needs when they are grieving: “But you don’t have to…that’s what this is….that’s what we are to each other…I am here if you need me.”

Those words were like water to my weary soul. Gentle and cool. Soft. Kind.

That’s what we need right now. Gentleness. Kindness. Love.

I feel okay today. But I have been busy fixing things and baking more things (so much baking). I know enough about myself to know that this is a wave – just like yesterday was a wave and just like tomorrow will bring even MORE adventures. I am glad I have so many people to help cushion this blow right now and for that, I am humbly grateful.

For now, I will try to stay present and believe what is true RIGHT NOW. Right now, I have food to eat and a roof over my head. Right now is all we have. And right now is all I am focused on…no matter what that looks like.