Letting go

I have spoken before about the beauty of letting go. I am mesmerized by the fall. We marvel at the leaves and the bright colors they turn before they fall to the ground. They serve us all summer with shade, protection, cool. And then when they are so tired, they fire up before they fade away.

It amazes me we don’t do this with humans…watch intently as they fade away into whatever takes us on. The miracle of life is as much at the end as it is at the beginning of life. We just don’t celebrate it. Everyone I have known that’s close to me that has passed away has always gifted me with something more magical than I was prepared for at the time. I just didn’t know what I was seeing in that moment.

Is that the problem? We don’t recognize what we see when we see it. Or do we need space from the beauty of it all so it can sink in?

This photo sat on my phone for a few months. It stopped me in my tracks today. I think because I didn’t think much of it at the time. I just discarded it as one of those things I see that I love…like the one zillion photos I have of the beach at sunset. It’s just another sunset. Just another beach. Just another leaf from a tree.

But really it isn’t. It’s all powerful. It all has tiny meaning as we shape ourselves into who we are. This leaf meant something to me at the time. And today, its message leaned in for a powerful whisper - like the warm whisper of a sweet lover - saying to me gently, again, that it’s okay to let go.

Preserving YOU

How do you rescue yourself? What is the thing you look at as a life ring when you feel like you ship is sinking? Do you lean on self care? Isolate yourself from toxic energy? Unplug?

What if the ship that is sinking is caused by you? Or even worse, what if the very thing you need saving from is YOU? Your voice? Your negative thoughts? What if the thing you need having from is the one thing you can’t escape from?

If I have learned something in life, it’s that I need to have many things to help save me. I have had both healthy and unhealthy habits. And I understand it as a trial and error. It feels like trying on pants in a dressing room…most don’t fit right, but when you find the right one for YOU, it’s magical.

I have tried all kinds of things. And many things work. I have also leaned on things that aren’t so good. It feels as messy and tangled as the rope that holds this life ring up. But to be honest, you have to experience it all before you know what’s right or wrong for YOU.

I think the most important part - do whatever you do with intention…intention of saving you, preserving you.

Be you

An oldie, but a favorite photo of mine.

Be yourself. Unapologetically and unmistakably YOU.

Be you when people doubt you. Or when people question your intentions. Or when someone you trust doesn’t trust you. Check in and dig deep. And believe in you.

There are so many people out there trying to tell us what’s best for us, passing judgement on what works in our lives. Even when they think they know every piece of you, they still don’t. They don’t know what song is in your heart all day or what thoughts are in your head when you wake up. There are pieces they are missing…even when they know you well…even when they have known you forever.

So be you. Don’t let people shake that. Don’t let anyone question YOU. Because you are you. You are not them. Their size 8 shoe does not fit on your magical sand covered bare feet.

Be you. Dance in the sand. Watch the sunrise. Let the rain fall on you and remember you can brush that sand off and dry off again. And you will still always be you.

Practice.

Look! That’s me! And my sweetie pie!

I’ll admit, the first moment I saw this photo, I was triggered. Triggered by an old story in my head and an image of who I thought I SHOULD be for the world. In this photo, all I saw is who I thought I was on the outside. Old. Fat. Tired… just not good enough in anyway.

I let these thoughts seep into my soul slowly over a few days until I had a full on melt down. Tears and all. My life has come to a point and in so many ways this is NOT where I thought I would land. (I mean…is it EVER?!?!)

But the craziest part is when this photo was taken, I was so unbelievably happy! I was full of joy and freedom on this night. I was being taken out to a lovely, special dinner by the man I love. I was at a peaceful crossroads when we took this cocktail in hand, love in my heart, sunset at my back. And yet still in the beauty and bliss of this perfect evening, the dark cloud of self doubt began to creep in, making me question parts of me that I have long since laid to rest.

As I considered all of this, I realized the maybe I wasn’t seeing the bigger picture. Maybe my insecurities were being shaken up by the many other parts of me that were feeling off balance. I have been holding up all these buckets of responsibility for so long - buckets of navigating motherhood, self employment, life changes, my future, medical concerns. The list is endless. And burdensome.

While most of my life seems fairly well managed, perhaps putting down my worries for the day - actually tapping into joy - was what triggered me. I feel safe with this man. Protected. Loved - as I am, where I am. Maybe THAT was the vulnerability I was feeling. After all, how could someone like me even deserve someone like that?

This isn’t a cry for help. It’s not a desperate attempt to garner a compliment from someone. It’s the reality of being human and having emotions. it’s a direct result of ALL OF THE PIECES of my life at once. The good and the bad. It all adds up to one big emotion - at least for me.

Our hearts are frail and complex. And life is hard. No matter who you are or where you are going. Adversity can affect us in so many ways.

My only advice in this space is this: Practice love. Practice Acceptance. Practice forgiveness. And listen to yourself. Your voice is the most frequent one you hear. The practice is where the perfection lies.

Get Messy

“Look honey…things are about to get really messy. That’s the only way we make this picture more beautiful…”

No truer words have been uttered to me before.

You have to get messy to make things beautiful. You have to unpack things before they get rearranged into how you want them. Sorting through and making sense along the way can be daunting. Some days you have to pull everything out so you can see it in front of you before you know how to move through it. And it’s messy.

Skip the messy part and watch how much more chaotic things become. Those niggling little things that you needed to examine get shoved to the bottom of the pile, only to fester and make things worse in the long run. It’s like the one rotten strawberry that ruins the whole container. If you had only sorted through all of it...unpacked that container…you’d see more clearly.

So while I don’t love cleaning, I think it’s time. Some things are gonna get messy for me for a while. Maybe even a little ugly. But I am okay with that. I feel like my life needed a deep clean anyhow. Sorting, cleaning, and throwing away that which no longer serves me is just the thing I have needed these days to create space for what’s to come.

Making room for that magical, lovely work of art called life to take a shape of it’s own now.

twenty

Twenty years.

I remember everything about the day you were born. I remember the time you started making your entrance into the world - on the first day of school. I remember my excited anticipation to finally meet you. I remember where my room was on the delivery hall, who came by to see me that day, and what your tiny newborn face looked like. I remember watching people cry and me just looking at you, marveling at the scene…wondering how I got so lucky to finally have the baby I always wanted.

The thing is, though, I don’t remember all the details of the past 20 years. They have flown by.

I remember car rides to school… road trips we took. I remember our quiet conversations in your lovely, soft bedroom light, and the never ending battle it was to first - get you to sleep as a baby, and years later - rouse you in the mornings for school. You always were a night owl.

I remember listening to your TV shows while I worked nearby and your deeper, developing voice as your played video games with your buddies over wifi. (I still am astounded by technology sometimes). I can hear the conversations we had as we planned out those elaborate wooden train tracks that we would play with for days on end. I can remember the angst in your voice as you sat down for homework and tried to put papers together that your ADD brain couldn’t handle at the time.

I remember YOU. How you make me feel - how you make everyone feel by just having you around - is programmed into my soul.

The experience I have had as your mother is singularly the best thing in my life. The feeling I have had with every sweet moment with you is seared into my soul - from day one to day 7300 (or something close to that). It’s been the best thing ever.

I have loved watching you grow into a man….into the human you are now. You have your own spirit that I will never squash. I love that you are brave and free and all of you. I love that you haven’t lost your empathy, your gentle spirit, your kindness, or your fire.

All these 20 years, the one thing I have asked of you - begged of you - is to not let the world change you. And thankfully, you haven’t. You are still YOU. But I would add that you are still becoming you. Becoming who we are is and evolving process. Hell, I am still doing it at 51. But you are doing it more gracefully than I could ever have done. I am so very proud of you.

Keep on being you, G. Keep on discovering you. Because this world needs who you are meant to be.

With all my heart, I love you,

Momma

Searching for perfection.

I walked outside the other morning, cup of hot coffee in hand and looked up. In that moment, things were perfect. The weather, the sky, the energy I felt. Life felt good - even great. The moment of peace and gratitude hit me as if from nowhere. Like a love bomb from out of the blue

How did I get to that moment? Where did it come from so unexpectedly. It’s not like I haven’t walked on my porch – coffee in hand to welcome the day. I have spent countless mornings walking outside, looking at the sky, wondering when it would hit me…that feeling of things being just right. And there it appeared, on my back porch when I wasn’t even looking for it.

I feel like I have spent the better part of my life waiting - waiting for things to be just right, for life to get easier, for the right moment. Waiting until I am thinner or prettier or in the perfect mood or the weather to be precisely what I want. If I am being honest, it’s been an exhausting search.

I think I realized on my porch last week that things are really good enough. You just have to want to see it that way. Life isn’t what I expected it to be, but isn’t that true for most of us? Maybe the weather isn’t what I was hoping for or my thighs aren’t the size I wish they were, but if I step a little further back from that, I can see things more clearly. I am healthy, happy, and pretty lucky to have what I have.

Maybe striving for perfection isn’t really about perfection. Maybe it’s just about acceptance of it all. Maybe we just need to be grateful in the now to appreciate what is.

Freedom

In the beginning of the year, I decided to explore something new creatively. I didn’t want it to be photography related in any way, take tons of time, or become a burden. So I started a 30 challenge to make a watercolor every day.

At the suggestion of a friend who did this for A YEAR, I stuck with a specific size and just started exploring from there. And you know what - I really sucked at first. Like…my first stuff was awful. But as I continued, I sort of watched it all unfold and stopped having expectations of myself.

This one simple act of showing up with nothing in my head and no expectations lead to some pretty awesome creativity. I experimented with paint, paper, brushes, and watched as the water took over every single image I created. Sometimes it was great. Other times, I ended up throwing it away. But each moment was a delightful experience in losing control of an outcome.

This dance became something I craved. I woke up each morning looking forward to seeing what happened with paint, water, paper, brushes and me. I got into a rhythm and found that the paper I thought I would hate, the brushes I didn’t like at first were the EXACT things I went back to over and over again.

Losing expectations and losing control was necessary at this point in my life right now. I had to lose some control to see how little it really matters. I had to give in creatively to something I knew literally NOTHING about other than the little palette of Crayola watercolors we distributed in art class when I was a teacher. We spend so much time having expectations on us and responsibility laid out for us. Sometimes letting something else have a little control - letting something be what it is without wanting to change it or manipulate it too much - is just where we need to be. It was like uncovering a path to somewhere new, somewhere that freedom took over and expectations were left behind for 15 minutes a day.

So do that thing – go take a dance lesson or hula hoop class. Sign up for that ceramics class you dream about. Learn to sew. Free yourself creatively a little. Then watch it all unfold with an open mind and an open heart.

Happy New Year

The start of the new year with all it’s resolutions and goal setting can be daunting - even for the most disciplined of us. I personally love a fresh start, but sometimes I am just not ready to leap into that on the first day of January after a wild holiday schedule, months of a busy work schedule, and making magic for those who come into my Christmas wake.

I have long sinced abandoned “resolutions” as a thing. Frankly a goal of “losing 10 lbs” or “getting my finances in order ” seems as overwhelming as Lucy holding the football for Charlie Brown…he’s never going to get that ball, is he? So about 10 years ago, I started making themes by choosing a word of the year. This works because you can keep revisiting your word and checking in - “Am I being “MINDFUL” with my choices today?” or “Am I really focused on wellness while eating this barbecue?”

You get the picture.

But lately, even that feels daunting. How do I focus on wellness goals when COVID has loomed over us for the past 2 LONG years and taken me down physically, emotionally and financially? How do I focus on mindfulness when I am overwhelmed with just getting through the days? All I want is a new horizon…new views and a fresh start. I don’t want the pressure of attaching anything to that but what makes sense for me and on my time.

While I slow roll into the new year and make decisions about what works for me on my terms this year, I will consider the views around me. What makes sense? What is working? And what is calling for change? And as the stillness of my soul lets the dust settle from the “new year frenzy,” I will wait for the call of what truly aligns with me…gym membership be damned.

Happy New Year, friends. I hope this year brings you what you and your soul truly seek. Get still…listen…and follow YOUR call.

Watching the storms roll in

I watched curiously a few weeks ago as a big storm came rolling in off the coast. The wind, the humid air, the dark clouds swirling around didn’t run me off. For the first time I felt compelled to stay. Instead, I felt like they were saying “stay, watch, learn.”

Typically when the storms come rolling in, I want to run for cover. Shelter from the winds and rain, the possible destruction, or just the plain old discomfort of being wet or cold. I have spent a lifetime running for fear of not only what I know, but what I have been told about storms - they are something to fear. So that’s what I do. I live in fear of the storms of life, fleeing at the first sight of cloud coverage overhead. After all, nobody wants to get caught unprepared. Right?

Lately, though, I have been just trying something different. I have been sitting with the storms. Waiting for the rain to set in before I run. Or maybe even dancing through it.

I guess the other way wasn’t really working because I have avoided things most of my life or tried to make them better in some way by protecting myself and everyone around me. I was taught to be afraid and flee the threat of any trouble. I have sheltered every moment from pain and truthfully, I shouldn’t have. Pain is part of life. Storms are a part of life. And it all comes and goes.

The good news is storms eventually pass. Some are worse than others. But you can clean up after them. With a little elbow grease and a lot of effort.

So for now, I am going to be more of an observer. I am going to stop trying to protect myself by running for cover. And I will watch with patient, curious eyes.

Wonder. Wait. Watch. And learn…

National Day of You

There was a recent push around the interwebs for “national son’s day” and “national daughters day.” These things always feel so staged to me. Canned and triggered responses thoughts thrown out into space about the love we have for our children.

I mean…sure. I love my child…we ALL love our kids. But why do we need to set aside a day for this? Isn’t this a sentiment that should be shown daily - outside of the realm of social media? It feels wrought with the same canned emptiness I feel around Valentine’s Day.

But while I don’t love the “forced” nature of these sorts of days, I do love a pause to appreciate and show gratitude - be it a prayer or a party. Whether it’s a small token of gratitude or an entire celebration of someone, maybe showing each other we love each other should be more cause for pause.

If you know me at all - even a little - you know I love my son. I don’t need Hallmark or National Calendars to tell me how to celebrate him. Mention his name and watch my face soften like butter on a warm day. Ask me how he is and listen to the tone of my voice shift like sugar melting into a smooth, rich caramel.

I am so lucky to be this kid’s mother. He is special and amazes me every single day. His kind heart. His open mind. His sensitive soul. He came to me this way. All I did was nurture those good parts and help guide him to being his authentic self. My job has been mostly easy with him. The hard parts are always watching what the world had in mind for him - as thought it knows him better.

So in honor of all of the times I didn’t let you know enough, in honor of National Son’s Day, in honor of you, my son: I thank you. Thank you for being yourself and showing up as you are, 100% you, all the time. Thank you for that kind heart, that gentle soul, that clear mind. Thank you for following that heart. I am so proud of who you are becoming. You are celebrated everyday in my heart.

Balance

Things haven’t been great lately.

I mean…life is okay. But, truth be told, a lot of stuff has been coming my way this year that is making me have to reassess the things that are important.

When this happens, I have a set of things I do. Talk to a friend. Write. Take care of my body with movement and healthy food. Sleep. Meditate. Take a nice, long, lingering bath or shower. See the ocean or stand in the middle of a forest. It all became a laundry list of things to do to care of myself in the most essential of ways.

When I started out on this regimen, I felt guilty when I missed something. “Shoot - I forgot to write today.” “I missed working out.” Or, even worse, “That workout wasn’t good enough.”

record scratch

Where on earth does THAT come from. The very thing I am doing to help myself is the VERY THING that causes me to feel worse about myself.

That didn’t feel good. Time to flip that script in my little pea brain.

In the past, I would be the perfectionist and ask myself, “why even bother?” I would throw in the towel and just continue being unhappy because if I can’t do all of it, why bother even doing a part of it. But after recognizing this behavior and awful script running through my perfectionist brain like a Monday morning train schedule in New York City, I decided to loosen the reigns on the regiment of it all. Because isn’t trying part of the game of succeeding?

So, these days I just use the list as a set of options…suggestions of how to get towards my better. Not perfect. Just better. The steps are not specific instructions, but merely suggestions on what to do or where to start.

Today, I will show up for myself in a few ways. I’ll write a little. I’ll move my body. And I’ll go breathe in some ocean air. If a hamburger gets in to my body, I won’t beat myself up about it. Because life is a constant balance of what feels good in the moment and what feels good in the long term.

And what makes me a better human in the long run is balance.

Lesson in a bloom

This spring and summer so far, the flowers in my yard have all been putting on their best seasonal show. They stand out brightly, their colors calling out to remind us of the little miracles of Mother Nature always has in store for us.

But flowers are so fleeting. They appear sometimes seemingly out of nowhere. In the night, they emerge silently, like a surprise party from mother nature. I wake up and stand on my deck, marveling at how lovely they really are. And then, the next day almost without warning, they are gone. Just a brief memory in time.

Those flowers that seem so fragile and delicate somtimes. Yet, I overlook the strength it takes them to bloom - to show themselves. That is really what amazes me. All their energy goes into that moment - full face to the world. Showtime.

But the beauty and the miracle doesn’t really lie within the actual flower, does it? The beauty is really in the infrastructure that allows that plant to bloom in the first place. Roots. Stems. Leaves. All working towards the goal of the one part that gets noticed. It hardly seems fair. We look to those prettiest parts, colorful blooms facing the world, scanning over the real miracle that is happening…the support system.

The prettiest parts are noticeable for a reason…reproduction and survival. But I think the life lesson here is to appreciate the beauty - then remember how it gets there. An array of factors take place in making that flower grow and bloom. An entire system lives within that plant - just like us…just like our lives. Then the weather, the sunshine, the oxygen…they all play a role too. It takes more to create the beauty than what we see in the moment of the bloom.

While the flower is lovely, I find it all a reason to celebrate. Those pretty leaves. That strong stem. That deep, complex root system. It all deserves the celebration for hard work, support and a job well-done.

Spring Fling

I have spent time in love with something that doesn’t love me back quite the way I need to be loved. This city, with it’s fickle heart, makes me feel like a scorned lover at times. But it’s during the spring season that I can look away from the push and pull of this sordid relationship. Those cotton candy sunsets, the flowers bursting with color in backyards - dropping petals like confetti at a party. The seductively warm sunshine and cool, soft air like sheets dried in a breeze that wrap around my skin. It’s all enough to make me fall in love again, only to be scorned by the scorch of prickly summer heat lurking around a corner.

This year feels different. The rose-colored light looks warmer than ever before. More welcoming. It’s as if we are trying to fall back in love with each other, little by little. One sunset, one drive over the connector, one pile of petals at my feet at a time.

The light through the dark.

The color seeping through is like salve to my soul…reminding me to breathe, be still, and know. It’s there to help me remember me that through the some of these hard days, I am okay. I will be okay.

A person. A phone call. A text. An animal. A sunset through the trees. It’s all there gently reminding you to remember that you are okay.

The light is always there. You just have to want to see it.

If you are struggling with anxiety or depression, please know that it’s okay and normal. Life is hard enough and this year was a doozy. Reach out if you need an ear. I will always respond to you!

Looking up

Things are looking up.

Call me an optimist, but I always feel like we are headed up rather than down. Sometimes…okay often…I am not right. But it’s okay to always feel like our lives have room for improvement.

I have lived a lot of my life in fear. Scared of making the wrong decision. Scared to change my mind. Scared of my own shadow. So feeling like life has room for improvement is, in and of itself, IMPROVEMENT!

So when I see blue sky, changing leaves, and fresh air, I get hopeful for the future.

Truth be told, life hasn’t been all that bad. I have had moments…like everyone. But this sky, these leaves ,this moment…it just lets me know that really and truly it’s all gonna be okay.

Sunrise, Sunset.

I feel the sun setting on this phase of my life recently.

I have felt it before. But maybe at the time it felt more like a storm passing through - grey clouds overhead, darkness creeping in. I have also felt it in ways that felt bright and new.

That’s what I feel this time. It feels more colorful…golden…hopeful.

I am not great with change (Is anyone, really?). I fight against it’s current even when it’s the best of circumstances. But right now, I am sort of letting this tide take me where it needs to because at the end, all I can see ahead are calm waters and golden rays.

Is it rose colored glasses? Maybe. Is it just that I am finally making changes on my terms? Most likely. Am I still fearful? Not really. I can’t wait to see what’s next.

Most of all, I can’t wait to see the sun rise on the other side.

50 Life Lessons

I turned 50 this week. Wow! What?!? I can’t believe this happened. I do NOT FEEL 50…until I do. Then I feel all of 50.

When I turned 40, I wrote out 40 things I have learned. So to extend the tradition, I thought I would revised it and post another list. This time, with 50 lessons. So here goes…

1. Always wear clean underwear. Or none at all. It doesn’t matter.

2. Take care of your teeth.

3. Take care of your health.

4. Take care of yourself. Hair. Eyes. Skin. Mental health. It’s all important.

5. Eat the rainbow. Not skittles. Fruit. Vegetables. Clean food.

6. Don’t forget to drink water.

7. Move. Everyday if you can.

8. You don’t have to explain your choices to anyone. Only you have to answer to the decisions you make.

9. Find some grace. For yourself. For others. It will serve you well.

10. Budget for things. I wish I could say I have mastered this, but I am learning.

11. Expect the unexpected. In all areas of life. Plot twists will happen often.

12. Do not forget how to have fun.

13. Know when to be serious.

14. Learn how to read the room.

15. Find the sunshine as often as you can.

16. Say yes more often.

17. Know when to say NO.

18. When you make a commitment to something or someone, follow through.

19. Be honest. Even when it hurts.

20. Learn how to like yourself. This is hard for most of us…

21. Don’t give up on love. It’s there. You just have to find it. It shows up when you are least expecting it. This is more true than I could ever tell you.

22. Be careful what you wish for.

23. Listen to your gut. Or your heart. Or whatever that niggling little voice is inside you. It know’s things.

24. Indulge a little. It’s okay.

25. Don’t discount the things you experience at a young age. You will go back to those little life experiences time and time again. They are the foundation of life.

26. Remember this when you are raising children. They take in more than you know.

27. Opportunity doesn’t always come in the shape you want it to. Sometimes it wears a serious disguise.

28. Floss your teeth.

29. Find a little balance.

30. Stop worrying. HARD STOP. Ninety Nine percent of the things you worry about are actually NEVER GOING TO HAPPEN.

31. Live with the stuff you love. Not the stuff people tell you to love. If you love comfy furnutre and barcaloungers, then get yourself a livingroom full of them. It’s your house and life. LIVE IT YOUR WAY!

32. Be wary of fads.

33. Be wary of people who tell you how you should think.

34. Do the research.

35. Love wholeheartedly and unabashedly. Stop listening to people telling you that you shouldn’t.

36. Surround yourself with people you want to be like. Remove the relationships that aren’t serving you. Edit your life often.

37. Give people a second chance. Maybe not a third. Or fourth.

38. Learn how to communicate well. How to talk. And, more importantly, how to LISTEN.

39. Don’t trust people who say they don’t like cats. Or dogs. They can prefer one to another. They can get what they like. But there is something seriously strange about a human who doesn’t like a specific kind of animal.

40. Try. Fail. Try again. Fail again. Keep trying until you figure it out.

41. There usually isn’t just one way to get somewhere. Stop taking the main roads.

42. Do your best. Every day. Wake up and commit that you will try harder. It’s okay if you don’t succeed.

43. There is a lot of life to be had offline. A lot of experience is out there.

44. We live in a great country. Voting is important. People have fought for this right. As in LOST THEIR LOVES FOR THIS. It is your duty to do this.

45. Children are harbingers of hope and joy and fear. Listen deeply to them.

46. Be patient. Be kind. Hold space for grace for yourself and others.

47. Connect with something bigger that yourself.

48. Take time to meditate. Or pray. Or breathe. It will do you a world of good.

49. Learn how to forgive.

50. Celebrate yourself. Every chance you get. All the things you’ve done. Because trust me…it’s more than you know.

Eighteen

Dear Graham.

You turned eighteen this week. For days, I have been trying to find the words to express my feelings. But for the first time, I am at a loss. I feel like a ship at sea…no oars, no land in sight. I feel like someone took me on a wild ride and then slammed on the brakes. It’s disorienting and overwhelming all at the same time.

People always talk about how fast it goes. They talk about how the days are long, but the years are short. And you know what? It’s true. It went at lightening speed. It feels like you were only just my little baby I rocked to sleep in the stillness of the night while the rest of the world gently slumbered around us. Nothing else mattered in the darkness of those long nights. Just you.

And then, within months, life started gaining momentum like a high-speed train through the countryside. You were just my little tot, toddling around watching Elmo and Bear in the Big Blue House, excited to eat your little Cheerio snacks. Then you were headed to preschool…to middle school…to high school…to karate…to rugby games. Where did it all go? I feel stunned.

But this isn’t about me, is it? It’s about you. It’s about the person you have become…the person you are becoming. It’s about how much you have changed the world. You have already changed my world. And for that, I am forever grateful.

You are a man now…your own person. You are capable of voting and working and driving a car on your own with no curfews or restrictions. You are on the precipice of adulthood, making your own decisions about what you eat each day and where you spend your time. It’s no longer up to me to tell you what friends to play with or what to have for breakfast or what new shoes to wear…not that I ever really could before. You’ve always had your own ideas. Sometimes that was hard. But hindsight makes you see everything more clearly. It has all been for the greater good.

Graham, if I can give you one piece of advice for this next phase of your life, it’s this: Be. You.

Be unapologetically you. Don’t edit yourself for the benefit of the world. Because frankly, you need no editing. You are an incredible, kind, aware, empathetic human - beautiful. This incredible nature is in your bones…in your heart…in your soul. It’s every piece of who you are, every piece of who I see. You are so deeply beautiful, some people may never see it. But it’s as visible to me as your sunkissed blonde hair and sea green eyes.

Most people spend a lifetime trying to get to where you already are. You already have it. You are there. You were born with it. And it has stayed with you these 18 years. Don’t put this part down. Let the world rise up to meet you right now.

Our world isn’t always made for kindness and empathy. It’s not made for softness. But, my sweet soul, it needs it. This world needs you to stay the course of the person I see rising up before my very eyes. We need men that care, men that are kind, and men that have hearts of gold - both strong and soft… a beacon of hope, glimmering in the dust and darkness of the world. Be that.

Be. You.

Because being you is the thing that is going to help bring about change in this world. It’s already changed mine.

Love,

Momma

Cannonball

Have you ever stood on the edge of something afraid of what might come of it? Afraid to jump in because of all the things you DON’T know?

A year ago, I took a chance on something life changing. I sent a little message that said little more than “I’m thinking of you and I hope you are well...” The response I got back was exactly the result I was looking for - sweet, silly and full of hope. And yet, for some reason it shocked me. Even after I jumped into those warm waters and swam around in the answer I had been wishing for, even after I could touch the bottom and remembered how to swim in the familiarity of acceptance and hope, doubt came creeping in like a kudzu vine, trying with all it’s might to strangle the life out of me.

Fear was all it was. Fear of rejection. Fear of being betrayed by my gut. Fear of wanting something that wouldn’t manifest into little more than it had for the past 20 years. All these negative thoughts flooded into my heart from a simple message exchange.

And yet…

There was courage underneath it all. The blind faith I had in myself for no reason. The courage to send the message in the first place. The strength to shut down the voice of doubt in my head. The courage to listen to myself and trust the process - whatever it was bringing my way. And the faith in who I was…faith to be all of me.

Nowadays, I finally have the courage to bring all the parts of me to the table without hiding who I think I am supposed to be for someone else. It’s not easy, and I still work on it daily. We live in a world that tells us not to be who we are. We live from a place where the rules set us all up to fail - because the rest of the world profits more when you don’t measure up. And boy oh boy, am I a good customer when it comes to that buy in! But in all truth, we are okay as we are. It’s all okay. Be yourself. You may not be able to please everyone, but you shouldn’t. Frankly, none of us should fit a mold. We should live with authenticity - fearlessly and unabashedly swimming around in who we are.

If I didn’t cannonball myself into the pool of self doubt and fear trying over and over again, I wouldn’t be where I am today – madly in love with someone I never thought I’d have a second chance with. He’s smart, kind, compassionate, creative, talented, and…oh, yeah - handsome. That cannonball into the pool of fear was the best thing I did. Because even though I doubted myself at the time, I really do know how to swim through anything. Even the muddy, dark, deep, cold parts. You just paddle madly and keep your nose above water. Eventually you find the place you can touch down again.

So do it. Dive in. Cannonball yourself into that big, blue pool. Don’t worry, the water’s fine. And if you are afraid, we will all be here to catch you with some pink pool floats if you forget how to swim or fear grabs you from the deep end.