You gotta have faith

The sweetest little church in Charleston, SC. Incidentally, my parents are tucked in for eternity right here.

If I am being honest, I struggle with faith. I have been an anxious person my whole life, waiting for the worst to happen. I have struggled with knowing I will be okay, despite all the signs that point DIRECTLY to my okayness.

Trust and faith go hand in hand. You have to be sure of something. So sure of it that you don’t even need to see it. Convicted. Assured. You don’t even need evidence or hard numbers. Just a willingness to believe it’s so.

As I age, those hard facts seem a little more visible and I have lost my sense of control I want over the outcome of every detail. I learned to listen to my “gut” and just trust myself - the person who lead me to some of the best and worst decisions I have made in my life…maybe the history of time. And despite some events in my recent years shaking me to my actual core and challenging every belief I have, I still manage to find a little trust in myself not to mess everything up.

What has helped me find this calmness and trust in the past 10 years is a combination of stillness, writing, and routine. Whenever things feel off, I resort back to these small rituals that feel good to me. Those simple things that keep me simultaneously grounded and in touch with myself as well as in touch with the universe.

Now, moving forward, things feel different. As it turns out, I do have FAITH. Faith in what’s to come and what has been. Faith in myself and those around me. Faith in my mistakes and mishaps as well as my triumphs. Faith that the greater good is really going to happen. I am leaning into trusting my faith in all things to get me through.

So for now, I will embrace this faith - this blind trust in the universe and all it has to offer me. Because honestly, for the most part, faith in myself hasn’t really failed me yet.

Cannonball

Have you ever stood on the edge of something afraid of what might come of it? Afraid to jump in because of all the things you DON’T know?

A year ago, I took a chance on something life changing. I sent a little message that said little more than “I’m thinking of you and I hope you are well...” The response I got back was exactly the result I was looking for - sweet, silly and full of hope. And yet, for some reason it shocked me. Even after I jumped into those warm waters and swam around in the answer I had been wishing for, even after I could touch the bottom and remembered how to swim in the familiarity of acceptance and hope, doubt came creeping in like a kudzu vine, trying with all it’s might to strangle the life out of me.

Fear was all it was. Fear of rejection. Fear of being betrayed by my gut. Fear of wanting something that wouldn’t manifest into little more than it had for the past 20 years. All these negative thoughts flooded into my heart from a simple message exchange.

And yet…

There was courage underneath it all. The blind faith I had in myself for no reason. The courage to send the message in the first place. The strength to shut down the voice of doubt in my head. The courage to listen to myself and trust the process - whatever it was bringing my way. And the faith in who I was…faith to be all of me.

Nowadays, I finally have the courage to bring all the parts of me to the table without hiding who I think I am supposed to be for someone else. It’s not easy, and I still work on it daily. We live in a world that tells us not to be who we are. We live from a place where the rules set us all up to fail - because the rest of the world profits more when you don’t measure up. And boy oh boy, am I a good customer when it comes to that buy in! But in all truth, we are okay as we are. It’s all okay. Be yourself. You may not be able to please everyone, but you shouldn’t. Frankly, none of us should fit a mold. We should live with authenticity - fearlessly and unabashedly swimming around in who we are.

If I didn’t cannonball myself into the pool of self doubt and fear trying over and over again, I wouldn’t be where I am today – madly in love with someone I never thought I’d have a second chance with. He’s smart, kind, compassionate, creative, talented, and…oh, yeah - handsome. That cannonball into the pool of fear was the best thing I did. Because even though I doubted myself at the time, I really do know how to swim through anything. Even the muddy, dark, deep, cold parts. You just paddle madly and keep your nose above water. Eventually you find the place you can touch down again.

So do it. Dive in. Cannonball yourself into that big, blue pool. Don’t worry, the water’s fine. And if you are afraid, we will all be here to catch you with some pink pool floats if you forget how to swim or fear grabs you from the deep end.

Floating with faith

“Faith is not a club to belong to, but a current to surrender to.” 
– Glennon Doyle Melton, Love Warrior: A Memoir

Faith is elusive. It's slippery and sneaky. It changes on a dime and curves in ways you would never expect. It looks calm and peaceful as a still river on top, but underneath is a roller coaster of twists, turns, dips and loop-dee-loops that you could never calculate looking at it all from your perched perspective. And just when you think you have caught up with Her... there she goes, slipping gently away again, just out of reach.

But maybe...just maybe...we are fighting too much against this current of faith. Maybe we are so used to fighting for a breath of air or struggling for our very own survival that this becomes our focus. We put our energy into staying above for air rather than floating with it - even if that means having to go under for a while. To surrender feels a lot like giving up or giving in to some of us.  We want a guaranteed outcome...a perpetual happy ending. 

I don't think faith is about the ending, though. It's not about surviving. It's not about gasping for air. It's about surrendering to a place you are destined to be. It's about flowing with the current rather than swimming against it's power. It's really just about trust.

So take a deep breath and jump in. Surrender some of that power you fight for.

Just give in...float... surrender.