Have you ever stood on the edge of something afraid of what might come of it? Afraid to jump in because of all the things you DON’T know?
A year ago, I took a chance on something life changing. I sent a little message that said little more than “I’m thinking of you and I hope you are well...” The response I got back was exactly the result I was looking for - sweet, silly and full of hope. And yet, for some reason it shocked me. Even after I jumped into those warm waters and swam around in the answer I had been wishing for, even after I could touch the bottom and remembered how to swim in the familiarity of acceptance and hope, doubt came creeping in like a kudzu vine, trying with all it’s might to strangle the life out of me.
Fear was all it was. Fear of rejection. Fear of being betrayed by my gut. Fear of wanting something that wouldn’t manifest into little more than it had for the past 20 years. All these negative thoughts flooded into my heart from a simple message exchange.
And yet…
There was courage underneath it all. The blind faith I had in myself for no reason. The courage to send the message in the first place. The strength to shut down the voice of doubt in my head. The courage to listen to myself and trust the process - whatever it was bringing my way. And the faith in who I was…faith to be all of me.
Nowadays, I finally have the courage to bring all the parts of me to the table without hiding who I think I am supposed to be for someone else. It’s not easy, and I still work on it daily. We live in a world that tells us not to be who we are. We live from a place where the rules set us all up to fail - because the rest of the world profits more when you don’t measure up. And boy oh boy, am I a good customer when it comes to that buy in! But in all truth, we are okay as we are. It’s all okay. Be yourself. You may not be able to please everyone, but you shouldn’t. Frankly, none of us should fit a mold. We should live with authenticity - fearlessly and unabashedly swimming around in who we are.
If I didn’t cannonball myself into the pool of self doubt and fear trying over and over again, I wouldn’t be where I am today – madly in love with someone I never thought I’d have a second chance with. He’s smart, kind, compassionate, creative, talented, and…oh, yeah - handsome. That cannonball into the pool of fear was the best thing I did. Because even though I doubted myself at the time, I really do know how to swim through anything. Even the muddy, dark, deep, cold parts. You just paddle madly and keep your nose above water. Eventually you find the place you can touch down again.
So do it. Dive in. Cannonball yourself into that big, blue pool. Don’t worry, the water’s fine. And if you are afraid, we will all be here to catch you with some pink pool floats if you forget how to swim or fear grabs you from the deep end.
