Lock the door and throw away the key

Lately, I have really had the urge to padlock myself behind a heavy door and throw away the key. Just hibernate and regroup to come to terms with myself.

We are saturated with information every day. The world tells us a lot of things. What to think. What to wear. What to look like. How old to be. Who to love. What to eat. I feel as though we are all being bombarded with information - or more likely, MIS-information - about who we are in relation to the rest of the world. It’s exhausting.

So the thought of locking myself away in a cozy little place and letting myself be comfortable with who I am sounds really appealing to me these days. I want to get to know me and only me….sort of like I would do if I was dating myself.

I have lived a life as an unlocked door - open for passers by to come inside and get comfortable. I let anyone have the keys - men, women, friends, and family were all allowed access to me, allowed inside to come in and get comfy or a soft place to land. Don’t get me wrong… I don’t mind a little compromise, but I think what I did is to give away to much space in my heart.

It turns out that when you give people free access to your insides, they trash the joint like a band of twenty year old college renters with zero stakes in the game. They take that cushy pad they landed in and stain the carpets, leave water prints on the coffee table, break the appliances, and walk away with all the valuables, leaving you to clean it all up.

Trust me, I know this is a choice I made. A pleaser by nature, I wanted people to walk away feeling good from me. But what happened was I let them walk away with all my best stuff. They raided the china cabinet and left me the dirty dishes.

It’s time to heal. It’s time to regroup. It’s time to take precious care of what’s behind that door. I’ve got some serious repair work to do.

So maybe this us where I will sit - behind this big locked door. No access for the outside world. Just me and myself - getting reacquainted with each other.

Closure

“I don’t know…I think I am just looking for closure, but I don’t think I’m ever going to get it.”

This was the end to a text conversation. Hopeless and desperate all at the same time, the words hung with me like a weight around my neck. A verbal Albatross. The feeling was palpable between us both.

Closure has been on my mind a lot lately. It’s an image in our heads of resolve. The end of something. The moment we lay everything to rest during it’s final chapter. The problem is, I am not really sure there is such a thing. Closing a door to something doesn’t mean there aren’t things behind it. This closet is still full of crap that barely gets used. But it’s still there. And I know it.

When my parents died, I wondered if there would be closure. I hoped for it…even prayed. They were great parents, but the relationship between parents and children is a complicated and twisted path. But during their final chapter when their eyes closed for the last time and I watched them take their very last breaths, I realized how many holes there were in our story, in our history. My heart never fully had the chance to heal from some of it, and to this day there are still unresolved issues I have over moments with them, memories of them.

The same happened when my sister passed away. Or numerous break ups I’ve had. Or arguments. The list goes on.

I think the closure I have been seeking - the closure we all seek - isn’t real. It’s an illusion. The reality - the thing that IS real - is forgiveness. The closure is in the forgiving - the letting go. It’s in trying to stop the outcome of what is and living along side it. While this feels doable on some level, there are times where it can be especially hard. It’s hard when you aren’t prepared for it. Or when our pain is so real you can feel it physically. Or when you can’t get space from the person or situation. It seems unrealistic to expect someone to find forgiveness in something like an affair, abandonment, abuse.

But I think it can happen. I think forgiveness can come… with space and time.

I have mourned relationships that didn’t work out for decades before. I have wrestled with things said to me for a lifetime. So each day is a practice. Forgiving is letting go. And often, the hardest person I need to forgive is myself.

But each morning, I wake up and work on it.

I forgive. I breathe. And mostly, I hope.

KEEP CLOSED?

Taken at the Garden & Gun offices here in Charleston, SC during the Southeastern Wildlife Expo.

I am always casting doors open. I aspire to live in the wide open, so I can hear things like birds chirping, see the shadows fall differently, and smell the impending rainstorm as it moves in from the west.

Yet, we are warned. We are told by the writing on the wall to keep closed. Is it for self preservation? Is it a precautionary move? Or is it necessary? Should we be constantly shutting ourselves off because it's just too painful to stay open?

My former self was wide open. I lived fully and without pretense. I fell madly in love, dove straight into uncharted waters and let the current take me fearlessly where I wanted to be. But after years of a battled and bruised soul, sometimes I think a closed door might be a good thing.

The key is not to lock it down and throw away the key. We don't need to vault ourselves. We just need some well greased hinges and maybe a window to the other side. We need to crack the door just enough for the light to come in.

Because after the light pours in, the rest can easily follow along.