Watching with Curiosity.

It's not his birthday. It's not a holiday or a milestone in life. This isn't a special time to celebrate him. But I need to and I want to... every.single.day.

I've never been a parent that is sick of my kid. I have never lamented how hard things are as we raise children. It ain't easy - this I know. But truth be told, I have always wanted to be his parent. From the moment I played with my first doll as a tot. I was destined to be a mom.

Not just A MOM...but HIS MOM.

I don't regret a moment of parenting him...or the family I have chosen.

He told me recently he felt like he is the black sheep of the family. I turned to him, chuckled, and said "well welcome to the flock...there are plenty of us here. You fit right in." IYKYK

Parenting is hard. All the college deans' lists going around and awards that kids receive. remind me that this human doesn't get the recognition he deserves.

He is a kind human. He is a fantastically curious human. A thoughtful and emotional human. An incredibly smart human. He's doing his best, but he is not afraid to grow. He knows this thing called life is an imperfect science and that life is about finding out more, trying harder, and growing bigger with each experience.

So while he searches for answers, I will be here for him. I will celebrate him at every turn and twist of life. All I can do is wait patiently, watch with curiosity, and love unconditionally. That's all we can ever do. That's all we ever need from each other. Honesty. Love. Patience. Kindness.

Eighteen

Dear Graham.

You turned eighteen this week. For days, I have been trying to find the words to express my feelings. But for the first time, I am at a loss. I feel like a ship at sea…no oars, no land in sight. I feel like someone took me on a wild ride and then slammed on the brakes. It’s disorienting and overwhelming all at the same time.

People always talk about how fast it goes. They talk about how the days are long, but the years are short. And you know what? It’s true. It went at lightening speed. It feels like you were only just my little baby I rocked to sleep in the stillness of the night while the rest of the world gently slumbered around us. Nothing else mattered in the darkness of those long nights. Just you.

And then, within months, life started gaining momentum like a high-speed train through the countryside. You were just my little tot, toddling around watching Elmo and Bear in the Big Blue House, excited to eat your little Cheerio snacks. Then you were headed to preschool…to middle school…to high school…to karate…to rugby games. Where did it all go? I feel stunned.

But this isn’t about me, is it? It’s about you. It’s about the person you have become…the person you are becoming. It’s about how much you have changed the world. You have already changed my world. And for that, I am forever grateful.

You are a man now…your own person. You are capable of voting and working and driving a car on your own with no curfews or restrictions. You are on the precipice of adulthood, making your own decisions about what you eat each day and where you spend your time. It’s no longer up to me to tell you what friends to play with or what to have for breakfast or what new shoes to wear…not that I ever really could before. You’ve always had your own ideas. Sometimes that was hard. But hindsight makes you see everything more clearly. It has all been for the greater good.

Graham, if I can give you one piece of advice for this next phase of your life, it’s this: Be. You.

Be unapologetically you. Don’t edit yourself for the benefit of the world. Because frankly, you need no editing. You are an incredible, kind, aware, empathetic human - beautiful. This incredible nature is in your bones…in your heart…in your soul. It’s every piece of who you are, every piece of who I see. You are so deeply beautiful, some people may never see it. But it’s as visible to me as your sunkissed blonde hair and sea green eyes.

Most people spend a lifetime trying to get to where you already are. You already have it. You are there. You were born with it. And it has stayed with you these 18 years. Don’t put this part down. Let the world rise up to meet you right now.

Our world isn’t always made for kindness and empathy. It’s not made for softness. But, my sweet soul, it needs it. This world needs you to stay the course of the person I see rising up before my very eyes. We need men that care, men that are kind, and men that have hearts of gold - both strong and soft… a beacon of hope, glimmering in the dust and darkness of the world. Be that.

Be. You.

Because being you is the thing that is going to help bring about change in this world. It’s already changed mine.

Love,

Momma

Robbed.

This was not the senior post I wanted to do…

These seniors have been robbed of memories and experiences they will never get back. No more lunch room laughs. No more proms. No graduation ceremony. It's gone...with a virus that has changed our lives forever.

Movies have been made about what it's like to be a senior in high school....TV shows written.... Books penned. We all remember these days. I can still recall what it was like to graduate that day in the hot, Charleston May sun - white dress and flowers laid across my lap, a small audience of people fanning themselves with programs.

This boy has spent so much time working so hard on so many things these past 4 years. He has transformed himself - mind and body. He took his grades from okay to straight As over the course of a month and never looked back. He became a shy rugby player to a fit and stong captain of his team. He became confident and capable and trustworthy of friends, teachers, and adults with parents of his friends calling on him in confidence more than once to help find answers. He became a leader – someone to rely on, strong and kind, empathetic and level-headed. A rare combination in a teenage boy.

I am so sad for my child. While I join you in your grief that school is done for the year here, it is not for the same reasons of despising homeschooling or feeling trapped in my home with kids. Instead, I will be mourning the loss of innocence and experience that comes with these final weeks of school for my boy...no graduation, no prom, no final match. I will hurt along side him over the friends and teachers he will never get to high five in the halls again, relationships that disappear to circumstance rather than choice. And I will mourn the loss of seeing him lead his rugby team this season on the pitch, something he worked so hard for that was taken away far too soon.

There’s more to his story of loss and strength than what I have written here. He has seen things that have changed him completely and done things adults I know haven’t even faced. He is wise beyond his years and experienced beyond fair measure for a child this age.

I know he will go on to do great things. He already has and it's inside of him. But to be honest, I am tired of his innocence being taken away over and over again too early. I am tired of his story having to accommodate the world rather that to world accommodating his kind, huge heart, and strong, loving soul.

To all the seniors, you are loved and we are all so proud. I am sorry this is your story.

Now let's all go out and change the ending to this chapter.

Fourteen.

You are 14 today. Fourteen. No longer a little boy, and well on your way to becoming a grown man. In a few short days, you are off to high school – out of the little bubble and into a whole new world full of choices and decisions and some of the best and most lasting memories of your lifetime. These are special years, indeed. At this point, all I can do is hope I have built you a solid foundation. The rest is up to you. Well...mostly up to you. Hopefully, you are ready to face the teenage hurdles and roller coaster ride ahead of you.

Before you step off onto this next path, I want you to remember a few things. Just some simple advice I have gathered for you after going through my life as I watch you spread your wings into becoming your own person.

_______________________________________________________

Go with your gut. It won't let you down. It never has. You will always have the right answers within you. Trust. And let go.

Remember your family. They will be here. No matter what. And remember that family can be defined any way you choose.

Trust yourself. You will make the right choices. You always have.

Speak up. If someone is doing something they shouldn't be, say something. To them. To me. To someone who can help. You will always find someone willing to help.

Respect yourself. Respect your body. Treat it well. Don't feed it junk. Brush your teeth. Floss. Shower. Take care of yourself. Rest when you need it. Exercise as much as you can. Be in tune to it's needs. It will tell you everything you need to know.

Respect others. Respect their space, their land, their customs, and their cultures. This world is full of all sorts of people. We are only a small portion of that.

Stay curious. You won't stop learning this year. Or in college. Or as an adult. And just so you know, learning gets better with age. Never lose your curiosity.

Stay creative. Everyone is creative. Not just artists and writers and chefs and scrapbookers. All jobs require a level of creativity. It's a necessary part of life in any field - motherhood, fatherhood, doctors and road workers. Everyone needs a little creativity. 

Love deeply. It will hurt sometimes, but it will also be the best thing you've done.

Have a plan, but don't be afraid to wander a lot. It's important. Having a plan let's you have a roadmap as to where you sort of want to go. Write it down. But let it change. And don't be afraid to wander. You will always always always end up where you were supposed to in the first place.

Have confidence. But don't be cocky. Know you have got whatever it is you want. That test. That job. That new belt in karate. Half of the battle is having the confidence to say that you can do it. The rest is up to hard work and perseverance.

And last, but certainly not least...

Don't let this world change you. Don't stop being kind or considerate or compassionate. It's who you are. It's why you exist. The Graham I know was born to love hugely and feel deeply. That's a good thing. That essence will project you into the human you were meant to be. Don't let life take that away or change that part of you. Don't let anyone tell you who you are supposed to be other than who you are in that moment. Not me. Not your teachers. Not yourself. YOU DO YOU! And the rest will take care of itself. Remain authentic and the world will rise up to meet you.

I love you, big guy! Happy 14th Birthday! I can't wait to see what this world has in store for you!

My Remedy

I remember all of the things that I thought I wanted to be
So desperate to find a way out of my world and finally breath
Right before my eyes I saw my heart, it came to life
This ain't easy it's not meant to be
Every story has it's scars

When the pain cuts you deep
When the night keeps you from sleeping
Just look and you will see
That I will be your remedy
When the world seems so cruel
And your heart makes you feel like a fool
I promise you will see
That I will be, I will be your remedy

No river is too wide or too deep for me to swim to you
Come whatever I'll be the shelter that won't let the rain come through
Your love, it is my truth
And I will always love you...
Love you

When the pain cuts you deep
When the night keeps you from sleeping
Just look and you will see
That I will be your remedy
When the world seems so cruel
And your heart makes you feel like a fool
I promise you will see
That I will be, I will be your remedy

When the pain cuts you deep
When the night keeps you from sleeping
Just look and you will see
I will be, I will be
When the world seems so cruel
And your heart makes you feel like a fool
I promise you will see
That I will be, I will be, I will be...
Your Remedy

- Adele

Give Thanks. Show Gratitude.

This is the season of gratitude. It's a celebration of all the things we have in our lives to be grateful for - big and small, bad and good, easy and difficult. 

As much as I try to show and celebrate thankfulness and gratitude every day, I count Thanksgiving week as the reset on this essential part of living a whole and fulfilling life. It's a good time to sit back and reflect on all the things that have happened, regardless of their nature - both bad and good, happy and sad. It's like an emotional hip-check on thankfulness and a gentle reminder that things we have to be grateful for come in all different shapes and sizes.

This sweet pause this week is something I don't take for granted as we swiftly slide into the season of abundance and love. I think Thanksgiving fits nicely with the the coming Holidays, becoming a reminder to not give without love or receive without gratitude.

So today I give thanks, for all the things in my life - the lessons, the life and the love. I am thankful for family and friends, the work I get to do, and the life I get to live. It's all part of what makes me who I am and all part of what has put me on the path to what I want to do with this one sweet life.

And to all of you who support, love and motivate me in all parts of my life...Thank you. I am forever grateful.

Happy Thanksgiving!

Twelve and a bit.

He is changing so much these days. Watching him grow and change before my eyes sorta makes me feel like I am watching a time lapse video of a plant emerging from the soil. It happens so fast. And each day I am sure he is another inch taller. Each moment, his face looks a little bit different.

I have many nephews. I have seen this happen up close and personal. I have watched them all emerge as young men in a matter of what seemed weeks. For the life of me, I just can't understand how it all happens so fast. Before you know it, 10 years of your life are gone. You blink again, and 20 years have passed you by like lightening. They become men.

These days are just slipping through my fingers. I hate how quick it's all happening. I hate that in a few short years, he will be off with friends on all-weekend benders. I hate that a few years after that he will be off at college and I will see him a half a dozen times a year - and beg him to shave and get a haircut and let me wash his clothes and feed him something nutritious.

If I could just slow it down a little more. If I could just pause the clock and sit with him on the couch for a few more minutes...if nothing more than just to watch him grow.

The fight against Time.

These days are limited...these days of innocence and youth and wonder. We are on the precipice of something huge for this boy. He has literally (and I do mean literally) grown over and inch in a month. It's a matter of days on the calendar that I will be looking up at that sweet round face and those gorgeous green eyes. It's a matter of days that I will be worrying more than I ever could have imagined possible.

But days where playing card games is cool are coming to an all too brief ending. And as excited as I am for him, I have to say that I am equally as heartbroken that Time has to be so cruel. She has already stolen so much from me: My age. My baby. My parents. She steals the innocence of a pure heart...full of wonder, hope and possibility.

I will fight Time and her jaded ways. I will battle her every step of the way. Not because I don't want to age or grow wiser, but because I don't want it all to be over so darn fast. I want to linger here for a while, savoring a few things a little longer. The past 13 years have slipped through my fingers. Trying to stop it was like trying to hold ice on a sultry South Carolina summer day. It just happened despite my best efforts.

So I guess that's it. I will fight the process, even though it's bound to happen regardless. It doesn't mean I have to like it....even if I know it's coming.