parenting

Watching with Curiosity.

It's not his birthday. It's not a holiday or a milestone in life. This isn't a special time to celebrate him. But I need to and I want to... every.single.day.

I've never been a parent that is sick of my kid. I have never lamented how hard things are as we raise children. It ain't easy - this I know. But truth be told, I have always wanted to be his parent. From the moment I played with my first doll as a tot. I was destined to be a mom.

Not just A MOM...but HIS MOM.

I don't regret a moment of parenting him...or the family I have chosen.

He told me recently he felt like he is the black sheep of the family. I turned to him, chuckled, and said "well welcome to the flock...there are plenty of us here. You fit right in." IYKYK

Parenting is hard. All the college deans' lists going around and awards that kids receive. remind me that this human doesn't get the recognition he deserves.

He is a kind human. He is a fantastically curious human. A thoughtful and emotional human. An incredibly smart human. He's doing his best, but he is not afraid to grow. He knows this thing called life is an imperfect science and that life is about finding out more, trying harder, and growing bigger with each experience.

So while he searches for answers, I will be here for him. I will celebrate him at every turn and twist of life. All I can do is wait patiently, watch with curiosity, and love unconditionally. That's all we can ever do. That's all we ever need from each other. Honesty. Love. Patience. Kindness.

21

Dear Graham.

Here we are. Another milestone. Another destination.

You are here. At twenty-one. It’s a crossroads. You are what the world considers to be an adult. Grown in body. Old enough to buy yourself a cocktail at will. What a funny age marker we have made for the world to hand over the task of adulting to people.

It’s weird to me because a part of me still sees you as this…this growing little boy, excited at just how much he grew over the summer, proud of his ability to read a Berenstein Bears book, and thrilled over his own sheer bravery at learning how to jump off a diving board and ride a bike. Except now, your accomplishments aren’t as easy to see as when you were 3, 5 or 15. These milestones are more subtle. They feel more spiritual than physical, more vague than tangible.

But I see it every day - these changes are still happening in you. Although now, it’s on a different level. One that most people can’t see. You are growing more now than ever before. Only those that truly see you will know these changes.

I hope you continue to walk this path. It’s harder than the one you have been on. You are forging your own way through it all now in territory I am only vaguely familiar with. You see, this is YOUR path. Your direction. You are in the driver’s seat now. And you have been for a while. All I can do from here is guide you in the way I know…but you see, I am not the expert of you. YOU are the expert of you!

Be patient with yourself. The road isn’t always clear. Be kind to you. Treat yourself like this little boy in the photo. How would you guide him? Hold him? How would you carry him so he is safe? How would you tackle the parts you don’t know anything about? Treat him like those who love you treat him. Tenderly. Kindly. Patiently.

I don’t have a literal gift for you today. Nothing to unwrap. Nothing to throw away in a few years after it’s broken, worn or outdated. But I have an offering for you. Today, I offer you the keys to your life. You are free to be you.

Just remember this…I will ALWAYS be here. I will always have something for you. I offer you a port in a storm, a soft place to land, and forever a warm meal when you need it.

And, without question, I offer you all my love.

Love forever.

Mom.

Grace for my mommas.

I can’t believe my big boy was ever this little. :(

I can’t believe my big boy was ever this little. :(

If you you think pregnancy is hard, you are right.

If you think having a newborn is hard, you are right.

If you think having a toddler is hard, you couldn’t be more right.

And if you think having a threenager, tweenager, or an actual teenager done with high school and moving on with their life is hard, you are right.

Parenting is hard. All of it. It doesn’t get easier. You still worry about them as much when they toddle off to high school looking for new friends as you did when they were in preschool. The only thing that changes is the shades of grey. They blur together more. Life isn’t as black and white as when we were trying to solve the needs with food, shelter and warmth.

But being a kid is hard too. So guide them gently or firmly if you must. It’s not perfect for any of us. Just because your friends post photos of their family trips, extended family suppers, or perfectly appointed playrooms doesn’t mean it’s easy. You aren’t seeing the behind the scenes.

So take a breath and love them at every stage. And in the meantime, give yourself a little grace.

After all, that’s all any of us really need.

Seventeen

Dear Graham.

Seventeen. You are seventeen tomorrow.

The first time I saw you was like a punch right to my chest. A beautiful baby, full of love. I felt it the day you were born. We all felt it. Naked. Wriggling. Quietly wondering. Fully loved.

Today, I stand on the edge of a lifetime of you, deep in the waters of memories of you washing over me, pulling me under like a rip current. My boy, my child, my young and beautiful man. Thoughts of your sweet chubby cheeks and your hands that fit perfectly in mine are overwhelming in my heart. I miss that part - the part where you were little and life was simple. The part where I had the answers, where I could keep you safe.

But now, you are a man…becoming your own person – capable, strong, and oh-so-loving and kind. You have answers all your own that you don’t need me for now. You make the best decisions. You have the kindest heart.

I have watched you evolve this year into something I could have only hoped for a few short years ago. You are beginning to navigate this path of life a little on your own more and more each day, testing the waters while you are still close, while I still have answers to some of those harder questions, and while I can - for a few short moments - still take precious care of you.

I am not sure what the future holds right now, but I know it’s going to be a wild ride. Bends and twists and hopefully plenty of spots to catch your breath. Lean into all of the messiness as you go. Trust that you are on the road you need to be. Even when you get lost. Even when you feel scared. Even when you follow the clear signs that seem like they are written in another language with another alphabet. What makes you the Graham that most people know is that you know how to take it all in stride. But what makes you the Graham that I know is how full of heart you will experience it all. Trust that part.

And steady as you go, my love.

“Confess I'm not quite ready to be left.
Still, I know I gave my level best.
You give, you give, to this I can attest
You made me, you made me.
You and me forever baby.”

Learning to fly

beach boy

I recently posted this photo of my boy on my personal Facebook page. It got some unusual attention from friends and family alike - not because it's a particularly good photograph, but perhaps because of the caption I wrote with it:

"My heart. Just roaming this planet. All exposed to the elements and the cruelty and the joys of life. With no protective gear. Just some love from his momma. I do love him ever so much."

I think this resonates with all of us, doesn't it.

To me, parenting is a lot like watching my heart roam naked around the planet. All the vulnerability we have is exposed to the elements - joy, pain, fear, frustration, love -  walking around with nothing to protect them. That's how it feels to be this person's mother.

When they are little it's easier. They stay closer. And the problems are more clear cut: I'm hungry. I'm tired. I'm wet. I'm frustrated. But as they grow and learn and start to spread their wings and fly, the issues life deals them aren't so black and white. Problems become more complicated. The topography of life changes - the dips in the road, the twists and turns, the mountains to climb...they are all there. And all you can do for them is sit and watch and hope you have done a good job at giving them a half-way decent road map to all of it.

As my son ages, the complexity of parenthood becomes more and more apparent. Gone are the days of kissing boo boos away, wiping the tears and giving him a Popsicle to forget his troubles. There are no more easy distractions from frustrations, pain or hurt. He is just there. Exposed to it all.

And learning to fly on his own.

 

 

 

The rollercoaster ride of parenthood

My little guy is turning into such a man these days. Responsible and noble. Kind and generous. At the same time he is still a little kid. Shy and awkward, with so much to learn.

It's such a thrilling age - this preteen/tween stage. So many people hate to parent kids of this age, but I am really loving it. You can see the shape of who they are going to be in a few short years when they spreads their wings and jump head-first into this big wide world. And they are like curious little sponges (probably looking for information to prove their parents wrong at any turn).

It's a rollercoaster ride - this parenting thing - filled with loop-de-loops, ups, downs, corkscrews and death defying tricks you are never sure if you will get out of alive. But at the end, I am sure I won't get off and think I am going to be sick. I think I will rather say - WOW! That was the ride of my life. I am so glad I took the chance to do it.

Each day brings it's own ride. But I wouldn't trade a second of it for the world.