Practice.

Look! That’s me! And my sweetie pie!

I’ll admit, the first moment I saw this photo, I was triggered. Triggered by an old story in my head and an image of who I thought I SHOULD be for the world. In this photo, all I saw is who I thought I was on the outside. Old. Fat. Tired… just not good enough in anyway.

I let these thoughts seep into my soul slowly over a few days until I had a full on melt down. Tears and all. My life has come to a point and in so many ways this is NOT where I thought I would land. (I mean…is it EVER?!?!)

But the craziest part is when this photo was taken, I was so unbelievably happy! I was full of joy and freedom on this night. I was being taken out to a lovely, special dinner by the man I love. I was at a peaceful crossroads when we took this cocktail in hand, love in my heart, sunset at my back. And yet still in the beauty and bliss of this perfect evening, the dark cloud of self doubt began to creep in, making me question parts of me that I have long since laid to rest.

As I considered all of this, I realized the maybe I wasn’t seeing the bigger picture. Maybe my insecurities were being shaken up by the many other parts of me that were feeling off balance. I have been holding up all these buckets of responsibility for so long - buckets of navigating motherhood, self employment, life changes, my future, medical concerns. The list is endless. And burdensome.

While most of my life seems fairly well managed, perhaps putting down my worries for the day - actually tapping into joy - was what triggered me. I feel safe with this man. Protected. Loved - as I am, where I am. Maybe THAT was the vulnerability I was feeling. After all, how could someone like me even deserve someone like that?

This isn’t a cry for help. It’s not a desperate attempt to garner a compliment from someone. It’s the reality of being human and having emotions. it’s a direct result of ALL OF THE PIECES of my life at once. The good and the bad. It all adds up to one big emotion - at least for me.

Our hearts are frail and complex. And life is hard. No matter who you are or where you are going. Adversity can affect us in so many ways.

My only advice in this space is this: Practice love. Practice Acceptance. Practice forgiveness. And listen to yourself. Your voice is the most frequent one you hear. The practice is where the perfection lies.

Mindberries

Recently I was on a shoot with a small family. The little boys were collecting items along the way and putting them in their pockets - treasures only little boys seem to value. We came across a bush full of wild berries and I said “you know not to eat those, right?” They looked at me like I was telling them something they were well aware of and said “uhhhh…of course.”

But it made me think…how do we know things are bad for us? Is it because it’s been drilled into us? In the case of poison berries, this is most likely the case. But what about those invisible things? The toxic thoughts? The self destructive patterns? How do you stop those things from seeping into your brain and poisoning you little by little?

I guess the answer is that you have to know how to identify them first. Sometimes we don’t know something is toxic until we feel it’s adverse effects. And even then, it’s often we need to be told. Those thoughts of unworthiness that creep in become such a part of us that after time, they almost feel comfortable. You don’t know what to do without them.

But when you are gently reminded, “Hey…it’s okay…you can put that thought down here. It’s not doing you any good anymore,” it helps bring awareness to the bad things. It’s nice to have help here, but sometimes you have to do the hard work on your own, too.

Distance helps too. Putting the thoughts that don’t serve you down, walking away from toxic energy and people, and even just ignoring it all can help. It’s hard to do because they look so enticing. But resisting temptations - no matter how bad they are for us - is always where the hard work is, right?

It’s taken me 50 years to identify some of those poison mindberries…the ones that look tempting to eat but are so bad for you. “I should look different…I’m in the way…I’m too much…I’m not enough…” The list goes on. Sometimes I see them on the path, juicy and enticing in their varied colors. Often I am tempted to eat them…like a good snack when I need it most . All it takes is a gentle reminder that they are not serving me in any way…and that reminder can come from me or someone I trust.

It’s only then that I can keep walking along that beautiful path and admire the rest of the things life has in store and leave those berries on the bush that they belong on.

Dear Little Girl.

Dear Little Girl.

You. Are. Beautiful. You are braver than you think, kinder than you know, and smarter than you give yourself credit for. You have gifts inside that are just waiting to be uncovered and unearthed. But it's up to you to do it.  

I know you. And I know you are scared. I know you somehow took on the notion that you weren't good enough, smart enough, pretty enough... I understand that you don't feel right in your skin. Too big, too loud, too different than the others that seem to float together like a school of silvery little fish, floating in a rhythm that seems to sync up perfectly while you float alone, trapped in netting you are just too tired to try to escape from.

My whole life, I have been watching you...your strength and your whole-heartedness are unmatched. I have seen you do the impossible. Given these circumstances, who could possibly survive? Yet... still, I have seen you bravely carve the most unique life path - not knowing what's next, not knowing where it's leading. I have watched as this world stripped you shamefully bare and expected unrealistic things of you. And through your tenacity and utter heart, I have watched as you delivered every last one. 

It's not you who is failing. It's the world who has failed you. It has destroyed hope in all the places you were supposed to feel safe. But still, here you are. On the eve of your birthday, still smiling, still full of heart, still courageously standing in the storms of life.

You are mine. And I am yours. And I am here to guide you through the rest of this journey, full of love and void of fear. I am here to show you how to navigate the rest of this twisting, unchartered path of life. So take my hand. Don't be afraid. We have got this...together.

Love,
Me