kindness

Unapologetically me.

I love food. One of life’s greatest pleasures is eating delicious food. The fact that I get to sometimes photograph food and food stories are always a favorite part of my job.

It’s taken me a long time to be able to say “I love food” again. You see, I have never had a great relationship with food. From far too early an age, I was taught by almost all the people around me to be ashamed of myself. I was chubby growing up and struggled to be slim like my peers. I was frequently teased – both by people I both looked up to and people that were supposed to be taking precious care of me. After all, I was an easy target – as most people with visible differences are. I carried around this albatross for years until developing disordered eating patterns that lasted well into my 30s.

For the life of me I will never understand why people think it’s appropriate to discuss someone’s appearance, particularly that of a child. For me in particular, it lead to a lifetime of trauma I have to unravel. 50 years of comments on my appearance by people who are supposed to be responsible adults, doctors, authority figures in my life re knotted into a mess of me not feeling like I am enough. The work I have done on myself the past 10 years is like no other work I have done in my life.

We all carry the mistakes of others around with us. Comments made by others that were inappropriate at the time or that sliced us precisely in half at a vulnerable crossroads are a heavy burden to bear. They become a knotted mess that seems to never want to unravel.

We must be careful how we talk to one another. We must stop judging how someone else feels based on our experiences. It has to stop here. With each one of us.

Start seeing beyond yourself. Start loving people where they are. Start apologizing for your missteps…because we all have them. We all make them. Start with you. Start where you are today. And find the joy in each day.

I am gonna start with my next delicious plate of pasta. Unapologetically.

Cultivating Kindness

Today has been an awfully hard day. The biggest mass shooting in American history just happened. It seems a little disingenuous of me not to mention that out of the gate. People are hurting and in pain. Even the ones not related to the shooting or the victims are carrying a burden today.

And yet...

And yet, all I can think of – all I can muster up the strength for today - is love and kindness. All I know how to do is to give love somehow. All I can say to everyone I know - whether I know them or not - is that I love them. I love them DESPITE our difference of opinion in gun control. I love them DESPITE the fact that we grew up so very differently. I love them DESPITE the fact that I don't know them.

I find that, generally speaking, this is all we ever need: someone to love us, to hear us, to see us. Right where we are in the present moment. And that requires us to get up close and personal with each other. It requires us to get to know one another on a fundamental level. Moreover, it requires us to get to know ourselves on a fundamental level. Live with our truths and speak them. It requires that we live with them, side by side, day in and day out, and accept them for what they are.

I struggle with stating my truth sometimes. Like many of us, I suffer with I-wonder-what-they-will-think-of-me-itis. Will I offend them? Will they "unfriend" me? Will my business suffer because of this? I become the Switzerland of social media. Not commenting. Not voicing what I feel in my bones. Perhaps my silence is not a sign of passivity. Maybe it's not because I feel powerless around you, but more because I feel the visceral contempt you have for my political beliefs is the opposite of that which I seek: LOVE. TRUTH. BEAUTY.  KINDNESS. COMPASSION.

So now each day, I start there. I start with Kindness. I begin with compassion. I seek out love and belonging. And then I let it take fire. I spread it around however I can. Is it perfect? No. But it's a place to begin... a place to breathe into.

_________________________

I woke up this morning feeling helpless for the world. People were already arguing on Facebook about our President reacting or not reacting. They were already slinging insults over their rights for guns and their panic over gun control as they watched their kids walk into school, some wondering if they were safe today. Was it going to be their baby next? Their concert going teenager? The conversation was already heavy. And I hadn't even had a cup of coffee.

As I sat in traffic after dropping my tired and grumpy teenager off at school, I took a giant deep breath into my heart and I let it go. I envisioned micro packets of love and kindness riding dancing around like little dandelion seeds. They circled me, my car, and swirled around outside of me into the universe, dropping microdrops of love everywhere. Maybe they landed on the grass, or a windshield, or just floated aimlessly up into the sky. Dancing freely, looking for something to plant themselves into...looking for fertile ground to take root.